Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

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Gratitude narrowed into a post

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I am so grateful, it ought to be contagious.

I have a job now! Remember how I was complaining about not having money and a job and whatnot? Well, that attitude didn’t do any good to my situation, it only worsened it. I started to thank in advance for a great job and chose to be happy (jobless) instead of waiting to land a job in order to be and guess what? It worked cause now I have a job (!!!!) and even though today was my second day, I am L O V I N G it like crazy. I like what I’m doing, I like my coworkers and I am just amazed of how good life can be if I let it. Life loves me back now that I’ve chosen to love it.

This isn’t a post to brag, this is a post to thank.

I am grateful for my new, harmonious job.

I am grateful for having friends who worry and care for me.

I am grateful for having a great gym to go to.

I am grateful for making smart choices at eating.

I am grateful for being me and loving me.

Life is truly wonderful if you allow it to, friends. I love you for reading me and am grateful for you too (you beautiful thing, you).

Sending infinite love!!!

Get a job cause you have no money left

I feel sad, frustrated and sad because I don’t wanna look for a job somewhere else, I wanna think that I’ll land the job where I was successful in on an interview. I am very afraid that I got lucky on that place, and luck won’t repeat itself on other places. I get anxious on interviews, I get nervous, I don’t know what to expect, how much I will wait, or if they will like me, or if I’ll screw it all up.

But my frustration also comes from the fact that I currently have no…money…left. I don’t know how I repel it, I’ve been broke ever since I opened my graphic design business. I’ve also become lazy and unmotivated, I certainly do not work the extra time it requires for an entrepreneur to get clients, land projects, etc. I definitely know having my own business is NOT a passion of mine. And, I act lazily and irresponsibly because I still live with my parents and even though I have zero money on my bank account, I know they’ll take care of me… how immature of me, right?

And, also, the frustration comes from not having money to dress right, to buy new jeans that aren’t torn down on the crotch, to buy new shoes whose sole isn’t broken, to be confident when I go to an interview and know that I will be dressed appropriately for it. I know it’s superficial, I know it’s stupid and immature to feel badly because I have no money to buy clothes or a car of my own, or a small trip, or a dinner with friends. It’s immature but I guess so am I.

I’m tired, I’ve hit a plateau on tiredness and apathy. And it all comes down to money. I am certainly looking forward to get a job to get some steady money. Not having money gets me in the worst mood and spirals my bad attitude and irresponsible behaviour.

If I had money I could learn french, go to a different gym, go to the movies without worrying of the cost, buy a plane ticket and go somewhere outside the city for a weekend, pay my own cellphone, cut  my hair, etc.

So, there world, I am frustrated and sad and scared of going to more interviews, of putting myself out there, of receiving lousy wage offers, of being put down, of waiting for an answer (one that may never even come).

And, I know that what I put out into the universe comes back to me but right now this is how I feel and I even feel I should not procreate any kids because they’ll have the same awful habits as mine, the same frustration to failure, the same laziness, immaturity, and complaining nature.

I’m in a meh mood, and even with all that I’ll go work out to see if anything changes.

Today I hated my day and my lack of productivity and how I dressed, and everything.