But I know how to turn my mood around

Yesterday I came home and was sad, frustrated, done with life and the world. I hated my job, my life, my situation, etc. I was having the biggest pity party, and no one was invited.

I opened my computer and ran into old Design work I had done, old videos, old pictures. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit, I have made a sport out of it. I am a good designer, I am a good eating disorder battler, I am a good warrior. My obsession with perfection and my expectations are what keep me blindfolded.

I blindfold myself from the progress, my achievements and my current situation. Maybe I wanted to have EVERYTHING figured out by the time I turned a certain age. But I have reached a certain age and I don’t have it all figured out (nor have I the husband, the house and the perfect job). And that’s ok because life is about figuring things out, about getting better, stronger, wiser and smarter. Life is a learning journey. I still have a lot to change, and a long distance to walk but with all I have done I’ve paved the way to move faster in some areas. The difficult ones are those lessons I have yet to learn.

But Erika, come back here whenever you feel like you’ve run out of hope. Keep dancing, keep laughing and keep creating because that is your essence, not bingeing or feeling down.

I love you, and me, and you.

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Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

A challenge every day

So far I’ve been doing stuff on a zombie mode and haven’t been challenging myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 69kg. I’m at a comfort zone in my job and have developed not so good eating habits.
So I’m starting today. Two hard things to do tomorrow:

Wake up without hitting the snooze button.

Go on a full day without Facebook. 

And if i write it here, i will be able to achieve it, fo sure. 

The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

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Happiness

This video moved me to the point of tears. I’ve been pretty teary-eyed lately. In a goood way. I’ve been happy, happy, happy.

I feel like sharing my happiness. I realised I used to only write when I wanted to vent and it works amazingly well but this time I’ll vent my joy.

I turned 26 on September the 18th and had an absolutely amazing time. I celebrated for about 3 weeks! I am finally enjoying celebrating my birthday without worrying too much about who will show up and who won’t. I am falling in love with myself enough to realise that whoever wants to be there, will be there. The day of my birthday I worked like crazy and enjoyed it cause I happen to LOVE my job. I didn’t think I’d come to this, to being so happy with myself.

Writing every single night on my gratitude journal has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I get to document all the things that make my life bright and they just keep piling up. I started writing 5 sentences per night. Now my list goes on for 2 or 3 pages each night. It is very true that when you Appreciate what you have you end up having more. 

Life is really good. And I say that while I rest my swollen, injured foot because of a sprain I had on Sunday night. I say that while I’m still happily single. I say that without having lost all the weight I would like to. I say that without having a perfect existence. But I am happy because I love happiness and she loves me back.

I’m allowing  happiness to become a part of me because as Beyoncé says, life is but a dream. And we are all living miracles. 

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Healthy (yes, healthy) dessert cooked by my dear blondie.

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My gorgeous-looking gratitude journal

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Dinner cooked by yet another friend who also happened to buy White Wine… and Champagne, and sparkling wine.

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Me and my “twinny” (a dear friend whose birthday happens to be on the exact same date as mine)

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My best friend and I looking dapper on a friend’s wedding

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A childhood friend and I having fun at the music festival where I sprained my foot at.

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My first birthday cake and the most special one cooked by my mom and adorned by my lil’ sis.

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2 friends and I. I love the candidness of this picture, it’s just perfect.


Thank you

I am grateful for the cozy, warm, huge and amazing house I live in because I often take it for granted and it is just breathtakingly beautiful.

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I am grateful for having taught a very nice woman today how to use her Mac more efficiently, and getting paid for providing that service. It may have appeared to be insignificant but it felt infinitely amazing.

I am grateful for my readers who light my day up with their comments, with their own posts and our connection. You shed amazing energy into my life in ways you can’t imagine.

I am grateful for having the best mom I could have ever asked for. She teaches me how to be a better person every single day.

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Words would utterly fail me…

That is how I’ve been feeling lately. That’s why I haven’t posted so often. I enjoy seeing pictures more than I do describing them. This is me and my friend during our trip to Ixtapa. Her family invites me every year to enjoy, along with them, indescribable sunsets, heavenly meals and dinner, 50’s, 60’s and jazz music, pink wine and great company. Abundance is a constant in my life. I just haven’t been paying attention. Thank God I am starting to.

“Every day, during 5 minutes, feel the feelings you most want to feel for the rest of your life. Until your entire life begins to change.”20130317_183336

The power of being grateful

This post’ll be cheesy, I warn you.

Tonight I looked up at the big, bright moon and, for the first time in years, didn’t ask for anything, I only thanked her. For shedding light, for smiling down at us, for it’s mere existence and possession of breathtaking beauty.

Tonight I’m going to sleep without having binged, without having done anything I didn’t want to, without guilt sleeping by my side. This night I realise a process of recovery requires small steps to outnumber setbacks, trips and downfalls.

Tonight I’m choosing to be delighted… and delighted I am.

Instead of looking for the right person, work to make yourself the right person for you. The right person will then be drawn to you, based upon the work that you’ve done for yourself. – Oprah

This woman knows her shit. 

Honesty and kindness

DESCRIBE CURRENT ERIKA.

Dreamer.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Unemployed.

Sedentary.

Consuming up to 4548 calories per day.

Taking her relationship with food one meal at a time.

Sleeps in late.

Stays in her pijamas too much time.

Has plans but doesn’t do them.

Has ideas but doesn’t put them into practice.

Journals but not as much as she would like.

Reads but not as much as she would like.

Spends way too much time on Facebook.

Takes things lightly and leaves them to chance.

Hasn’t manifested as much as she would like.

Doesn’t meditate or quiet her mind.

Doesn’t do yoga.

Stays stuck.

Scared shitless.

Stuck in comfort zone.

Wasting 70% of her time.

Being inspired every day but not doing anything to inspire herself.

Happier than before (much happier).

Aware of how great she can be, but not so sure how to get there.

Still stuck in many nasty habits.

Procrastinates.

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out.

Thinks time is still running and hasn’t achieved much.

Still compares herself to others.

Still judges.

Is TERRIFIED by the mere thought of wearing a bikini.

But accepts her body more than any time before.

Is learning to listen to her intuition.

Hasn’t traveled much.

DESCRIBE ERIKA A YEAR FROM TODAY. 

Achiever.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Happily employed.

Active pole dancer, runner and yoga student. 

Doesn’t have to count her calories. She eats calmly and enjoyably. 

Takes the time to do things and is in control of the outcomes of her life. 

Believes in herself.

Keeps her word. 

Knows how to set boundaries. 

Respects herself. 

Doesn’t care about other people’s opinion. 

Taking her relationship with food one day at a time. 

Sleeps in early.

Stays in her pijamas only on occasional lazy Sundays. 

Has plans and follows them.

Has ideas and puts them into practice. 

Journals every night. 

Is an avid reader. 

Barely opens her Facebook.

Manifests her ideas and thoughts. 

Meditates and practices quieting the mind. 

Does yoga. 

Is constantly moving. 

Still feels fear but it doesn’t paralyse her. 

Doesn’t allow herself to fall in her comfort zone. 

Is efficient 80% of the time.

Is inspired every day but most importantly, she inspires herself. 

Happier than before (much more happier). 

Is aware of how great she can be, and knows now how to get there.

Has developed positive habits. 

Is disciplined. 

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out. 

Thinks time is running and keeps achieving much. 

Compares herself to others occasionally. 

Judges less each time. 

Is in her ideal weight. 

Accepts and loves her body more than any time before. 

Wears a bikini confidently. 

Loves and respects herself. 

Practices kindness toward herself every single day. 

Listens to her intuition. 

Yes, beautiful. This is a start. I’m on the right path. Finally. Screen Shot 2012-12-13 at 12.12.40 AM

And then, life happens.

So, I was having a really lousy day today. I woke up feeling drowsy because I had stayed up way late going through Facebook photos of myself that eventually led to some Facebook creeping of friends, until I was stalking some stranger who appeared to look good in his profile pic but had his profile protected so that’s when I decided to close my laptop and go to sleep. Before snuggling comfortably into bed, I wrote the 5 things I was grateful for that day inside my little gratitude journal and then wrote on my other journal, 2 promises I would keep the very next day in order to get my self-trust back. I wrote: Enjoy food and take the appropriate time to eat it; Apply known and taught techniques to avoid binges; Wake up the first time I hear my alarm clock. 

I kept all of my promises and right now, when I arrived home from the movies with a friend, all I wanted to do was hit the kitchen and eat whatever I set my eyes on. But then I remembered this post on my drafts, the promises written on my journal and the fact that I am willing to change… my mind cooperated this time (today, at least).

Anyways, so, I took a bath in the morning and was in a grateful mood: I had prepared my breakfast, eaten it slowly, was now taking a bath and thinking how fortunate I am to have my own bathroom, my own room, hot water, etc. I got out, moisturised my body and then the dreaded moment to put clothes on arrived. Right now, my clothes don’t fit and I don’t have enough money to go out and buy decent ones (there is also some denial going on, with the fact that I don’t approve of the current look of my body), so I am only wearing clothes that fit me, which are only 2. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted, that’s the word. Up until that moment, my mood changed dramatically: I got cranky, self-conscious and sad.

I talked to my favourite cousin through my cellphone and she managed to calm me down. Thank you, plims!

I arrived to the office and had to go to the bank to get a new credit card because mine had been compromised and I couldn’t use it at all. I had been postponing that task because well, who enjoys going to the bank? Certainly, not me. Eventually, it all turned out alright, and it seems like the whole day started going my way so naturally, my mood changed.

My day consisted on not bingeing, eating with my friends (and ex-partners), enjoying my food, getting a free drink at Starbucks (and I complain about my weight?), going to the movies for free, and preparing a delicious salad instead of bingeing on unhealthy food.

I am definitely going to sleep with a smile on my face.

All thanks to the beautiful life that happened to me.

Lisa asked me, as an assignment, to make a list of my principles. When she mentioned it to me, I thought it’d be easy. How hard can it be to know what is important to me?

Well, it turns out, I don’t know.

I seriously have no clue what is important to me. Sometimes I think having money is, having a boyfriend is, being happy is, having a big wedding is, having a job where the pay is amazing is, having a baby is, living in a big house is, wearing fancy clothes is, cooking is, having lots of friends is, having a busy social life is, being skinny is, travelling is… But other times I think maybe dancing is important, living in the beach is, where people are less judgemental, less materialistic, less worried, more kind… but maybe that is just an assumption. One day I think doing what everybody else wants to do is what I want to do, but then again, other times I think I wanna live differently that the “status quo”.

This confusion is what keeps me sad, angered and mostly depressed, day in and day out. It’s like I’m floating adrift. Since I don’t know what I want, I paralyse and let the fear sink in. I let the fear and confusion get the best of me. And I just don’t know how to beat them; the scariest and saddest part, is that sometimes I think I don’t even want to beat or get rid of them…