Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

Stuck to say the least

I’m in a job where I like what I do… most days. Some days I don’t feel like I’m growing or going anywhere and even though I wouldn’t have studied something other than Graphic Design, I sometimes wonder:

Why can’t I earn more money?

Why can’t I be independent?

Why can’t I be at my ideal, healthy weight?

Why can’t I have better exercise habits?

Why can’t I be braver to quit my job and find something that fulfills me?

Why can’t I be more talented, more beautiful, more centered and smart?

The answers to these questions are unknown. I hope I’m not just a mediocre human being who will always be mediocre in every aspect of my life.

 

A challenge every day

So far I’ve been doing stuff on a zombie mode and haven’t been challenging myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 69kg. I’m at a comfort zone in my job and have developed not so good eating habits.
So I’m starting today. Two hard things to do tomorrow:

Wake up without hitting the snooze button.

Go on a full day without Facebook. 

And if i write it here, i will be able to achieve it, fo sure. 

Liebster Award

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The lovely Colleen from Sprinkles and Skirts nominated me and brought me back to blogging :).

The Liebster award is an award given out to meet new bloggers and identify your favorite ones.

After receiving the award you must:

1) Post the award on your blog.

2) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.

3) Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4) Nominate any number of bloggers you think deserve this award. If possible, they should have less than 200 followers.

5) Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you, and ask 11 questions to the people you nominate in your post. 

I nominate these amazing blogs:

Message in a bottle 

Joyful Cacophony

The Roaming Lama

Lose da Booze

Morning Tear

Work of your hands 

Weightloss Counter Revolution

Sprinkles and Skirts

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Lifeyum

Sober Identity

Questions for my beautiful nominees:

What 3 items would you take if you went to a desert island?

What do you like most about life?

What makes you happy?

What is your passion?

What is it that you do every day to keep you joyful?

Why do you blog?

What is your favourite food in the world?

What is your biggest dream in life?

What book are you currently reading?

Who is your role model and why?

Favourite movie of all time?

Eleven random facts about me: 

1. I am a very good and happy Graphic Designer (not a web designer, evidently)

2. I have learned to love myself through this blog (I’m still learning)

3. My family is the most important thing in my life

4. Chocolate is the second most important thing in my life 

5. I am a sucker for anything that has “vegan”, “gluten free”, “organic” attached to any food title because it removes any feelings of guilt in my head

6. Dancing is part of my essence

7. I have an obsession with living abroad

8. Through this blog I have developed meaningful friendships (and hopefully long-lasting ones)

9. I have come to enjoy weightlifting thanks to several accounts I follow on Instagram of kick ass women

10. I think Beyoncé is the epitome of perfection in a human being 

11. I LOVE meeting new people and keeping them around 

Answers to questions asked by Colleen:

1. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own and why? A blue blazer from Banana Republic cause it’s both pretty and cozy.

2. What is your achilles heel? Chocolate.

3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Visible tumors, or weird skin rashes.

4. Tropical beach or European city vacation? Tropical beach in winter, European city on summer.

5. What are you self-conscious about? My legs.

6. What inspires you? Blogs, beautiful movies, over achievers, Ted Talks, kind people, animals. 

7. Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert and why? An extrovert. I’ve been told I don’t have word-filter.

8. Cat person or dog person and why? Dog person ❤ <3. I’ve always been around dogs.

9. If you could interview anyone from history or today who would it be and why? Mindy Kaling because I admire her entirely.

10. What are you most proud of in your life? Recovering from bulimia.

11. What is your favorite thing to cook/bake? Tuna, basil, onions and tomato cous cous.

If you reached this part of the post, I congratulate you and leave you with a big kiss :* !!!

Cattiness in people.

Sometimes it’s hard to ignore or be inmune to people being nasty and saying mean things. I especially find it hard. I also have trouble coming up with comebacks.

Anyways, with that being said I wanna share with you a picture of me with a friend and other tourists at Rockefeller Center. I said I wanted to travel and travelling I am :). I fell in love with NYC so hard I didn’t see it coming. But I think I fell more in love with travelling. I must keep doing it.

Lots of love and the best vibes to you.

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Celebrating and enjoying

I stopped writing in my gratitude journal and noticed a shift in my thoughts and behaviour. I’ve come to realise that it takes small actions every single day to keep a positive and healthy mind. I stopped being grateful and negativity crept back in. 

I am constantly doubting my power to manifest things into my life and I don’t even know why because evidence has proven that self-doubt to be wrong. 

I am currently happily employed, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and I am sure I manifested it.

I was unhappy in my other job and that unhappiness was only bringing more unhappiness. So I shifted my attitude completely: I started being happy for no reason, made gratitude journaling a habit, and pretended I had already found a job I was happy at. All while I applied for jobs and went to interviews. I was even grateful for those jobs I didn’t land. 

Anyways, I wanted to remind myself of that, and let you all know that with the right attitude and action, we can manifest ANYTHING into our lives. 

My older brother just graduated from college and he is an example of perseverance and manifestation. 

I wanted to share happiness with you :).

Wrapping this post up with a lovely picture ofImage the entire family in Rolla, MO. 

Thanks for reading. 

 

 

The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

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Focusing on the good, rather than on the bad.

Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily. 

Why, Erika, why? 

Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.

I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.

But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within. 

This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side. 

Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now. 

Affirmations I tell myself while at the gym

Ok, so going to the gym ain’t easy. Especially when you haven’t reached your goal weight or look. I still feel uncomfortable from time to time when I am squatting or doing crunches and my muffin top pops out in a not very gracious way, or when I’m sweating like crazy and a cute guy is next to me. I used to think all the time that these cute guys were maybe never gonna notice me,  “they only will when I look a certain way”. I had been doing it all wrong. Thoughts are energy and that energy molds reality.

So, what I do when I catch myself thinking that, is look at myself in the mirror and say:

You are the hottest girl alive, even when you sweat you look amazing.

You are a champion for being here and doing your best. 

You are attractive.

You are powerful.

You are capable. 

You are worthy. 

You are the prize.

You are freaking amazing. 

As if by magic I turn into a power house immediately. And my gym session becomes a power session.

You are beautiful, know it, own it, say it, repeat it to yourself every freaking day. And so will I. 🙂

Is reaching out for a Nutella jar the same thing as reaching out for a bottle of Vodka?

I know opening up a jar of Nutella alone in the dining room is not healthy… neither is adding 3 spoons of sugar to my coffee. Food is still on my mind longer than I would like it to be.

I need loving action and loving discipline to rule my life, not food… or action around food. Currently I’ve been very stressed at work, not sleeping well, not going to the gym, eating out, dining out, so my habits have been all over the place. I do try to fit vegetables in, and tea instead of coffee but I keep sneaking sugar, chocolate, alcohol and coffee more than I would need in order to reach a healthier lifestyle.

But I am trying every single day, and the process isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be.

This post is to remind me that beating myself up about eating more than I need to will not get me anywhere: loving myself will, respecting myself will, being grateful for myself will, celebrating my successes will and TAKING action will.

I wanted to do this post for a while now but was kind of ashamed of showing myself off like this. But, this blog is not only to inspire other people but to inspire myself too.

I am posting pictures of the progress I’ve had throughout a year. I didn’t do any diets nor did I focus on eating less or on counting calories. I simply worked on loving myself more, on exercising regularly and enjoying my food and my body. I got into weightlifting and tried not to miss gym sessions (against my mind’s will, many times).

I didn’t weigh myself or anything, I only focused on my progress pictures. I am inspired by this progress. I hope you are too.

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Will you help me hold myself accountable?

Thanks for reading 🙂

Feeling inferior, hence being a b*tch.

Dear sis:

I know you don’t read this blog, but I need to tell you a few things.

I love you more than anything, but since I keep measuring my self-worth on looks, relationship status and popularity, I can’t be my true self with you so I end up being rude and aggressive. I don’t know if you know this but I envy you in several ways. You have never struggled with weight, you have a great boyfriend, you are popular and cool, you are strong, responsible and self-assured, you get anything you set your mind to, you dress amazingly well, you can wear a bikini and not worry about how you will look on it, you are incredibly gorgeous. I always thought that the older sister should be a role model to the younger one and I don’t think I am. As long as I don’t improve my self-image and self-worth, I will not be able to have a healthier relationship with you. My fears, insecurities and craziness don’t allow me to be my true, loving self with you.

I am getting there, sis, bare with me, I am in the process of self-love.

Remember I love you more than anything in the world even though I have a hard time showing it.

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For a 2014 filled with self-love.

Remember that guy I had a crush on at the gym? Well, we got to talk a LOT. I discovered he is a jerk because he doesn’t like FRIENDS (who doesn’t like FRIENDS, seriously?), made fun of my career and said I was too old to be single. We didn’t go out or anything, this all happened at the gym, while we were both working out. I could really see through his responses how ego driven, self centered and insecure this guy is. Anyways, after getting to know him a bit better I discovered I had made an idea of what he was like on my mind and reality didn’t match it.

A normal, self-loving person would have forgotten about this crush and moved on.

Not me.

I thought I was through with it but then, I downloaded TINDER. Tinder is an app that shows you single people around your area and if you like someone, he/she will find out only if they like you back. So, as I was scrolling through single guys I was imagining how cool it would be if I found gym guy there… and then BAM, there he was! Naturally, I liked him and guess what? he liked me back. Tinder then, indicated we were a match.

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What I had been wanting to be sure of since July…

We’ve been chatting (because I started a conversation with him) but he seems less than interested: it takes ages for him to reply, I ask the questions and he seems to be answering in order not to seem rude.

Why is it that I have a special attraction for jerks? Why is it that I know this is all wrong yet I keep wishing for him to reply?

Dating shouldn’t be as hard or as disappointing as this situation I allowed myself to be in. So why am I attracted to this jerk who is evidently wrong for me?

Will be continued…

This year, I will work even harder to love myself more than I already do. Then, the rest will follow.