But I know how to turn my mood around

Yesterday I came home and was sad, frustrated, done with life and the world. I hated my job, my life, my situation, etc. I was having the biggest pity party, and no one was invited.

I opened my computer and ran into old Design work I had done, old videos, old pictures. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit, I have made a sport out of it. I am a good designer, I am a good eating disorder battler, I am a good warrior. My obsession with perfection and my expectations are what keep me blindfolded.

I blindfold myself from the progress, my achievements and my current situation. Maybe I wanted to have EVERYTHING figured out by the time I turned a certain age. But I have reached a certain age and I don’t have it all figured out (nor have I the husband, the house and the perfect job). And that’s ok because life is about figuring things out, about getting better, stronger, wiser and smarter. Life is a learning journey. I still have a lot to change, and a long distance to walk but with all I have done I’ve paved the way to move faster in some areas. The difficult ones are those lessons I have yet to learn.

But Erika, come back here whenever you feel like you’ve run out of hope. Keep dancing, keep laughing and keep creating because that is your essence, not bingeing or feeling down.

I love you, and me, and you.

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A demon inside

We are our own worst enemies, no doubt about that. What I’m about to share is highly personal… and highly disturbing. I don’t even know why I am sharing, I just know I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to write about it.

This went on in my head today, and I documented it while shedding tears from my eyes. I decided to do some AB Journaling right now, to really get myself out of this situation and learn what my negative self is trying to tell me, and what my loving part has to answer.

A: I’m such a loser. How could I even think that stupid actor boy would like ME? Why do I even bother going through his twitter and facebook accounts? and his girlfriend’s? Only a stalking loser would do that. I don’t even have any money left and I was, a couple of days ago, preaching to my dad about money and abundance. What a hypocrite! Positive thinking? Screw that! You are a lazy, procrastinator, worthless piece of shit. You can’t even keep promises or words! You cancelled your dinner today without even giving a shit. And who are you kidding? Handling a business? You can’t handle your own life, let alone your own company! You have no chance to make your own business a successful one. You have zero discipline and no drive. Look at the results! You lie to yourself constantly. You are a loser, a fat loser, a worthless, lazy loser. you’re 25 and can’t even land a decent job or have a decent income. You don’t even enjoy working! Anybody who went to school with you knows that and would laugh at your face when finding out that you opened your business. You are a joke. You can’t even get your butt to exercise. You are so ashamed of what others will think of your body, you can’t get in shape. For it to be your dream (having a bikini body), you don’t seem to do much. Stalking people who can pull a bikini through facebook won’t get you the body so why do you keep doing that instead of getting your ass into shape?

B: You are no loser, stop saying that. You are beautiful. We don’t know if the boy likes you, there’s no way of knowing. You need to stop wasting time going through his social networks and his girlfriend’s. It’s no good for you or anybody. There’s no good purpose and nothing positive will come out of it. You’ll only end up feeling badly and frustrated. Why do you keep looking for ways to feel like that? You are meant to thrive, nothing less. But why do you constantly sabotage yourself? Ok, you spent all of your money on printing your Book for later interviews. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Move on and finish the project you have pending yet, that client still owes you money. Stop drowning in your own glass of water. Positive thinking is what has gotten you to stop barfing, binge less and has set you in the road to recovery. Your subconscious is trying to get you to a place where you have always been comfortable. You know that, you understand that. Don’t let the negative voice win. Love is stronger, love will ALWAYS prevail, so allow it to talk louder and listen to it. You are none of those ugly things you call yourself. You only have some habits you need to unlearn. Go back to keeping daily promises. One day at a time works for you. Yes, you cancelled dinner today. Guess what? It wasn’t a decision to be proud of but it was a decision based on how YOU were feeling. You are starting to cease pleasing people. Don’t beat yourself up about it, your friends understand. You don’t know how to handle a business buy it doesn’t mean you can’t learn. You DO have a chance to make it a successful one, you only have to be patient and focus on achieving small goals. You have proven to self-discipline yourself when you want to. And you do have drive, you just have to feed them both, day in and day out. You do lie to yourself but much more less than you did before. Love is your only truth. I am love, listen to me and you’ll find nothing but your true self, cause you are made of pure love. If you keep calling yourself a loser for any mistake you make, it will stay stuck in your subconscious. Remember, you are no loser, you are a wonderful, outstanding human being. You are recovering from a long time of calling yourself ugly things. You have to call yourself different, new positive things. That way, those will stay within your subconscious. You are 25 and it’s ok that you haven’t landed a job or an income you like. You are working to get it, you are finally starting to embark towards it. Good thing you are starting on time. You enjoy working, you just don’t allow yourself to do it because your focus is in the wrong place. Change your focus and you will realise how highly productive you really are. So what if people laugh at your face? Who cares about them? You have, for the longest time. The moment you stop caring about what people think, your life will be better and you will listen to the first one that matters: your lovely self. You can get yourself to exercise, it’s only a matter of wrapping your head around it and DOING it. You have gone a while without doing it steadily and your body is missing it because it needs it, because it is so good for it. Show love to your body by moving it, instead of going through random people’s pictures with the body you aspire to have. Listen to your intuition, listen to your gut. It always knows what is right and what isn’t. You know what to do, you know which voice to listen to. Love will always prevail. You are love. This was only a stumble. You almost fell but you didn’t allow yourself to fall as hard as you could have. Now get back up and show yourself some love. Day in, day out. You are amazing, nothing less.