Yesterday I came home and was sad, frustrated, done with life and the world. I hated my job, my life, my situation, etc. I was having the biggest pity party, and no one was invited.
I opened my computer and ran into old Design work I had done, old videos, old pictures. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit, I have made a sport out of it. I am a good designer, I am a good eating disorder battler, I am a good warrior. My obsession with perfection and my expectations are what keep me blindfolded.
I blindfold myself from the progress, my achievements and my current situation. Maybe I wanted to have EVERYTHING figured out by the time I turned a certain age. But I have reached a certain age and I don’t have it all figured out (nor have I the husband, the house and the perfect job). And that’s ok because life is about figuring things out, about getting better, stronger, wiser and smarter. Life is a learning journey. I still have a lot to change, and a long distance to walk but with all I have done I’ve paved the way to move faster in some areas. The difficult ones are those lessons I have yet to learn.
But Erika, come back here whenever you feel like you’ve run out of hope. Keep dancing, keep laughing and keep creating because that is your essence, not bingeing or feeling down.
I love you, and me, and you.
Woke up “early” (for a saturday, that is) -10am- to go to my friend’s wedding dress fitting at 11am. As always, I got there late. We picked a dress for her, and talked about her bachelorette party and the bridesmaids dresses. I’ve realized which nasty habits control me, and I wanna leave them behind. It is gonna take a lot of effort and work, but I think I’m ready and up for it. Some of the things I wanna change about me, or get better at include:
- Arriving on time to meetings or reunions
- Being organized
- Read a book a month
- Efficiently spend my time
- Become more disciplined
- Exercise on a daily basis
- Love myself more each day
- Treat myself kindly
- Set boundaries with people
- Start pleasing myself, not everybody else
- Be independent of other people’s opinion
- Stop being afraid
Many of those things have been in my “to do list” for years now, but now I’m very aware of what I don’t want in my life, and I need to make radical changes.
I ate pretty good today, and I didn’t binge, nor barf. I went to a friend’s house and ate more popcorn than needed, but I the barf thoughts didn’t cross my mind. I ate one and a half piece of pizza and didn’t feel guilty (yuppie!) The being kind to myself thing is really working, it is just what I needed to make my recovery possible.
I took pictures of myself to see the progress I’ve had since February (when I decided i was gonna exercise daily) in my body. I’ve definitely gained weight, and I didn’t keep my word on the exercising part. My pants don’t fit, and I feel a little heavier but, even though my pants fit tighter and my muffin top is slightly bigger, I feel prettier than ever. I’m not saying I wanna stay like this, because I don’t! But I have been this heavy before, and I have been lighter and in my mind I have always felt “fat”, hence I had been stuck on a vicious circle. So, right now I am walking, thinking and feeling like the skinny woman I know I am. I have to exercise and eat like that, too.
“Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled “.-Neville Goddard