I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

A challenge every day

So far I’ve been doing stuff on a zombie mode and haven’t been challenging myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 69kg. I’m at a comfort zone in my job and have developed not so good eating habits.
So I’m starting today. Two hard things to do tomorrow:

Wake up without hitting the snooze button.

Go on a full day without Facebook. 

And if i write it here, i will be able to achieve it, fo sure. 

The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Celebrating and enjoying

I stopped writing in my gratitude journal and noticed a shift in my thoughts and behaviour. I’ve come to realise that it takes small actions every single day to keep a positive and healthy mind. I stopped being grateful and negativity crept back in. 

I am constantly doubting my power to manifest things into my life and I don’t even know why because evidence has proven that self-doubt to be wrong. 

I am currently happily employed, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and I am sure I manifested it.

I was unhappy in my other job and that unhappiness was only bringing more unhappiness. So I shifted my attitude completely: I started being happy for no reason, made gratitude journaling a habit, and pretended I had already found a job I was happy at. All while I applied for jobs and went to interviews. I was even grateful for those jobs I didn’t land. 

Anyways, I wanted to remind myself of that, and let you all know that with the right attitude and action, we can manifest ANYTHING into our lives. 

My older brother just graduated from college and he is an example of perseverance and manifestation. 

I wanted to share happiness with you :).

Wrapping this post up with a lovely picture ofImage the entire family in Rolla, MO. 

Thanks for reading. 

 

 

Focusing on the good, rather than on the bad.

Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily. 

Why, Erika, why? 

Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.

I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.

But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within. 

This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side. 

Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now. 

Feeling inferior, hence being a b*tch.

Dear sis:

I know you don’t read this blog, but I need to tell you a few things.

I love you more than anything, but since I keep measuring my self-worth on looks, relationship status and popularity, I can’t be my true self with you so I end up being rude and aggressive. I don’t know if you know this but I envy you in several ways. You have never struggled with weight, you have a great boyfriend, you are popular and cool, you are strong, responsible and self-assured, you get anything you set your mind to, you dress amazingly well, you can wear a bikini and not worry about how you will look on it, you are incredibly gorgeous. I always thought that the older sister should be a role model to the younger one and I don’t think I am. As long as I don’t improve my self-image and self-worth, I will not be able to have a healthier relationship with you. My fears, insecurities and craziness don’t allow me to be my true, loving self with you.

I am getting there, sis, bare with me, I am in the process of self-love.

Remember I love you more than anything in the world even though I have a hard time showing it.

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Not ok

Even though I’m swimming almost daily, even though I write on my Gratitude Journal every night, even though I am happily employed I find myself in the same place where I’ve been before. Food is my barometer, to see if I am ok or not. My desire to lose weight hasn’t disappeared and I think it never will. I admire fit people and fantasize over wearing clothes and walking about 30 pounds lighter.  The habit to eat compulsively hasn’t died yet, and sometimes I don’t know if I want it to.

Now that I got that out of my system, I can go back to telling myself:

You can and you will unlearn the habit of eating compulsively and turning to food when stressed, sad or anxious. You are powerful beyond belief. You are your own master, not food or anything else. I love you and always will. Let’s go to sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

The power of self-compassion will never cease to amaze and heal me.

 

Love is the way

I thought I was ready, that is why I called her in the first place. My old nutritionist, that is. And she is a good nutritionist! Her “diet” isn’t strict, everything is allowed in the right amount, in moderate portions. I’m talking flour, sugar, chocolate, everything is allowed. I love her system, I do. But then, while I was eating that last piece of chocolate chip cookie in the morning (even though I was beyond full), I remembered that going to a nutritionist isn’t the solution. Self love is, breeding healthy habits is, listening to my body is, loving my body the way it is today is the answer.

Today I saw an friend of a friend at the mall. He didn’t see me. 2 years ago he lost a LOT of weight, like people didn’t even recognise him afterwards. He lost the weight with the help of a nutritionist and he felt and looked great. I was in awe with his story, I got motivated and decided to try (yet another time) to go to a nutritionist. Months later, I was bingeing and barfing again. Today I saw that man I am talking about and he has gained the weight back again. I don’t think me seeing him was a coincidence. 

The point of this post/story? 

Going back to a nutritionist will help me lose weight quickly but not definitely. Eating consciously and healthily every single day will contribute to build healthy habits for my entire life. 

So, once again, LOVE is ALWAYS the way. 

Gratitude narrowed into a post

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I am so grateful, it ought to be contagious.

I have a job now! Remember how I was complaining about not having money and a job and whatnot? Well, that attitude didn’t do any good to my situation, it only worsened it. I started to thank in advance for a great job and chose to be happy (jobless) instead of waiting to land a job in order to be and guess what? It worked cause now I have a job (!!!!) and even though today was my second day, I am L O V I N G it like crazy. I like what I’m doing, I like my coworkers and I am just amazed of how good life can be if I let it. Life loves me back now that I’ve chosen to love it.

This isn’t a post to brag, this is a post to thank.

I am grateful for my new, harmonious job.

I am grateful for having friends who worry and care for me.

I am grateful for having a great gym to go to.

I am grateful for making smart choices at eating.

I am grateful for being me and loving me.

Life is truly wonderful if you allow it to, friends. I love you for reading me and am grateful for you too (you beautiful thing, you).

Sending infinite love!!!

3 Blessings

I am grateful for being able to consciously stop a binge, because it shows how much I’ve grown throughout this recovery.

I am grateful for my body because, you know what? it’s pre-tty amazing, healthy, functional, and aesthetic. And mainly, this body walks, runs, does weight training, dances and tries every single day to be stronger than the day before.

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I am grateful for remembering to be happy for no reason. Because, as Deepak Chopra said:

“Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.”

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I designed this quote today, I am also grateful for this.

Positive change program, week 1

Cauldrons and Cupcakes’ Nicole is inviting anyone who wants to change, to join an eight week program she designed. I tried her Gratitude Challenge in the past and really felt happier afterwards so, naturally, when I read about this new program I knew I had to try it. You can check her blog out for more details.

I’m going to do this on my blog in order to get accountability and to spread positive and loving change!!! Also, to motivate myself through this platform :).

The first step is writing this affirmation down:

Dear Universe,

All of my life I have wanted to move in this new direction. I have felt it calling me, I have felt it just beyond my reach, although I have not always been able to clearly define that place or what it might mean for me.

I have always known that I was destined for more – being more, loving more, sharing more, having more.

Although I am uncertain, although I still cannot name all the changes I desire, my heart is open to them if they be for my Highest Good.

Today I honour my yearning for change, and I offer it up to you,trusting that I will be guided to discover the next steps, that I will be drawn to inspiration and opportunity, and that I can create a life for myself which is more expansive, more aligned to my purpose, more in flow.

My commitment to you is that for the next 8 weeks (and beyond) I am willing to explore and open to the possibilities of change, and to celebrate the many Blessings I already enjoy.

With love and gratitude, Erika. 

The next step is writing 3 blessings in my life:

Today I am thankful for exercising because after every hard workout I feel like the sexiest, happiest, most powerful woman alive (even though I may not look like it haha).

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I am thankful for getting to see my best friend every day of the week, act silly with him and laugh till my belly aches.

Me and Manu being silly on a rearview mirror...

Me and Manu being silly on a rearview mirror…

I am thankful for having a friend who is going through the same path, motivates me and allows me to motivate her every single day.

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And last but not least:

I choose ABUNDANCE.

Thanks for reading and witnessing my loving change 😉 .

Grateful

Tonight I am grateful for : 

The rain.

The song “Dancing in the Moonlight” that’s currently randomly playing on Spotify.

Meeting with old friends.

Having a close relationship with my sister.

My special friendship with Blondie

Realising that God is in my life all the time. 

My family. 

Going to a party wearing pants and not feeling (so) badly about it. 

Loving myself. 

Being myself.