Honesty, honesty with myself is what I need. As much as I wanna write upbeat posts and transmit inspiration, it becomes overwhelming and I end up feeling like a failure if I don’t become better each day to write about it here. No, I didn’t go to the office today, no I didn’t wake up early, no I did not work efficiently and no, I didn’t make wise choices throughout the day. I surfed the net, read every post update of each blog I follow, became inspired, then opened Facebook and the cyber creeping began, the comparing to others, the dreaming, the wishing (to travel to NY, to wear a bikini and look like that, to have an apparently perfect boyfriend, to have a baby everyone flatters, to look as I’m supposed to look, wow everybody and be proud of myself, to be the person I know I can be ). I had no binges today, only irresponsible eating.
I had a very vivid dream, I was watching a video of 17 year old Erika, the day of my Highschool Graduation Meal and I looked perfect and happy, but I really wasn’t even though I had every reason to be. (I’m the one on the far left wearing the pink striped sweater). I wanna fit in that sweater again so much that I haven’t gotten rid of it.
That year I had a very important physical transformation, let’s say I had been feeling all through highschool like a caterpillar and that year I bloomed into a butterfly haha. I had lost about 6 pounds, looked my best (weight wise) and had a nose job which gave me a sudden self confidence.
I was in the dance workshop which consisted of 6 girls and we used to practice on every recess; as far as I can remember, those recess were the only ones I looked forward to having (I did not enjoy “regular” recess with no dancing involved) so that year I enjoyed myself immensely. We practiced because our choreographies were gonna be featured in a play by the end of the year. I loved being onstage and that year in particular I used to constantly visualize myself dancing like no other year in front of the whole school, I imagined myself having a killer body and dancing like I had never danced before. Well, that year I proved the law of attraction really worked because my participation in the school play was 100 times better than any of my wildest visualizations. My dancing caused so much commotion, I got nicknamed “The Revelation” (assuming nobody knew me by face or name before that, they decided to give me a nickname) and people whom I had never seen in my life were giving me compliments on my dancing and my physique, they thought I was hot. I watched my performance on tape and to be honest, I wasn’t that good! haha, I looked kind of stiff and nervous because I didn’t know how to handle the sudden interest drawn to me. The number we performed was such a hit, they even asked us to do it off the play on a different stage. One of my crushes (who was in College at that time) had investigated my name and approached me to tell me how good I was. Even after the play and the number had finished, some sophomore students asked to take a picture with me!!! I felt perfect for the first time in Highschool.
I don’t remember many things about my past, but I remember this moment as if it happened yesterday and I think I’ve been stuck in that moment for a while now, longing to be noticed in that way again. The main problem is, that I ended up associating my weight and my dancing skills to approval and admiration.
I also remember gaining weight after that and seeing the reaction of my friends and family. I vividly remember one of my uncles indirectly calling me fat, one of my friends telling me to go back to my Highschool weight in order for him to take me to alumni parties, my spinning teacher looking surprised, and how I felt disappointed for having gained so much weight. My shining moment was then, ephemeral.
What I’m trying to get to the bottom of, is why I acted the way I did when I gained weight and became bulimic, and why I can’t get 100% rid of that behavior. That girl who used to hurt herself, not accept and not love herself is still in here somewhere and I think the food and the extra weight feed her all the love, respect and acceptance she needs. Does that sound too crazy? Is this another way to sugarcoat excuses to behave the way I did today? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that writing this took a weight off my shoulders and made me feel relieved.
I’m even up for going on a treadmill run.