The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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I like a boy pt. 2

I arrive at the gym with the mentality that he doesn’t like me, that I don’t stand a chance with him. I hop on a treadmill and realize he is 2 treadmills apart, running his butt off. I run 1km and then start doing some weight training. I am aware he’s there, and walk by his treadmill during my circuit but I NEVER make eye contact with him, I walk by him as if he was not there. I look at myself in the mirror and perceive my messy hair, worn off pants, sweat dripping down my face and body. I don’t look as good as I can but I focus on doing my circuit effectively because he is watching from his treadmill, at least that is what I (like to) think. I finish my circuit and hop again, one treadmill away from him. I run even though I feel extremely tired already but, you know, he is right there so I won’t stop. I then remember I’m running for me, not for him so I start cooling down, my body was asking me to. Meanwhile, he finishes his routine, stretches, picks his stuff up, and leaves after turning around and waving goodbye to me.

He probably won’t know, after today, how much I like him and how terrified I am to even look at him.

Oh, there you are!

It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.

Thoughts during the binge:

“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”

“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”

“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”

“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”

“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”  

“You are only lying to yourself”

“Don’t expect perfection”

And then, I stopped.

This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.

I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.

Self image at the gym

I have to struggle, every time I go to the gym, with my self- appreciation.

I am not the most comfortable in the room, I feel overweight and I am constantly reminded of that fact by only looking at my reflection in the mirror. I talk myself into going, into not quitting, into not caring what others may or may not think but it’s hard!

Maybe nobody even cares as much as I do, maybe they don’t even realise I’m there.

This self-love thing is hard, especially today.

I’ll go to the gym nonetheless but today it is hard.

The seek for perfection

Honesty, honesty with myself is what I need. As much as I wanna write upbeat posts and transmit inspiration, it becomes overwhelming and I end up feeling like a failure if I don’t become better each day to write about it here. No, I didn’t go to the office today, no I didn’t wake up early, no I did not work efficiently and no, I didn’t make wise choices throughout the day. I surfed the net, read every post update of each blog I follow, became inspired, then opened Facebook and the cyber creeping began, the comparing to others, the dreaming, the wishing (to travel to NY, to wear a bikini and look like that, to have an apparently perfect boyfriend, to have a baby everyone flatters, to look as I’m supposed to look, wow everybody and be proud of myself, to be the person I know I can be ). I had no binges today, only irresponsible eating.

I had a very vivid dream, I was watching a video of 17 year old Erika, the day of my Highschool Graduation Meal and I looked perfect and happy, but I really wasn’t even though I had every reason to be. (I’m the one on the far left wearing the pink striped sweater). I wanna fit in that sweater again so much that I haven’t gotten rid of it.

That year I had a very important physical transformation, let’s say I had been feeling all through highschool like a caterpillar and that year I bloomed into a butterfly haha. I had lost about 6 pounds, looked my best (weight wise) and had a nose job which gave me a sudden self confidence.

I was in the dance workshop which consisted of 6 girls and we used to practice on every recess; as far as I can remember, those recess were the only ones I looked forward to having (I did not enjoy “regular” recess with no dancing involved) so that year I enjoyed myself immensely. We practiced because our choreographies were gonna be featured in a play by the end of the year. I loved being onstage and that year in particular I used to constantly visualize myself dancing like no other year in front of the whole school, I imagined myself having a killer body and dancing like I  had never danced before. Well, that year I proved the law of attraction really worked because my participation in the school play was 100 times better than any of my wildest visualizations. My dancing caused so much commotion, I got nicknamed “The Revelation” (assuming nobody knew me by face or name before that, they decided to give me a nickname) and people whom I had never seen in my life were giving me compliments on my dancing and my physique, they thought I was hot. I watched my performance on tape and to be honest, I wasn’t that good! haha, I looked kind of stiff and nervous because I didn’t know how to handle the sudden interest drawn to me. The number we performed was such a hit, they even asked us to do it off the play on a different stage. One of my crushes (who was in College at that time) had investigated my name and approached me to tell me how good I was. Even after the play and the number had finished, some sophomore students asked to take a picture with me!!! I felt perfect for the first time in Highschool.

I don’t remember many things about my past, but I remember this moment as if it happened yesterday and I think I’ve been stuck in that moment for a while now, longing to be noticed in that way again. The main problem is, that I ended up associating my weight and my dancing skills to approval and admiration.

I also remember gaining weight after that and seeing the reaction of my friends and family. I vividly remember one of my uncles indirectly calling me fat, one of my friends telling me to go back to my Highschool weight in order for him to take me to alumni parties, my spinning teacher looking surprised, and how I felt disappointed for having gained so much weight. My shining moment was then, ephemeral.

What I’m trying to get to the bottom of, is why I acted the way I did when I gained weight and became bulimic, and why I can’t get 100% rid of that behavior. That girl who used to hurt herself, not accept and not love herself is still in here somewhere and I think the food and the extra weight feed her all the love, respect and acceptance she needs. Does that sound too crazy? Is this another way to sugarcoat excuses to behave the way I did today? I don’t know.

But what I do know is that writing this took a weight off my shoulders and made me feel relieved.

I’m even up for going on a treadmill run.

🙂

Fall seven times, stand up eight. Japanese Proverb

Ok, so, yesterday I celebrated a binge-free week but today I slipped up once again. This slip-up was different though: I didn’t beat myself up about it, I was kind, understanding, got over it and decided to write about it. The situations, feelings and emotions I can blame this binge to are infinite but the reality is that I chose to binge, no one forced me, pushed me or made me do it. As a person going through bulimia recovery I could be here, typing how this was all out of my control, how my life sucks and how disappointed of myself I am, but as an adult breeding self- love and self- growth I wanna be honest instead and STOP victimizing myself.

What lead me to seek comfort in food today?

  1. I’m sick of working on a client’s project that has been going on for months, it drains my energy, stresses me out, occupies my entire time and mind, it is not very design-related (it involves content download into a wordpress virtual shop) and I am tired of working on it. Besides, the client is not going to pay until it is finished (he is also like an uncle to me). So, not only have I been working on it since forever but I also haven’t received a dime since April, and my client, who trusts and estimates me, is not very satisfied. Yes, I could be working on other projects but the mere thought of not having this done and the pressure I have been putting myself under, has been stopping me from participating on other money making projects. (Victimization cycle of hell).
  2. My partners (and friends) either have been making money or have been receiving some from their wealthy parents, but the fact is that they have enough to eat every day of the week on a different restaurant. I have experienced becoming broke by spending my money on food, so I decided about a month ago that I would prepare something at home and eat it in the office (good for both my pocket and body). Today it was no exception, I brought food from home, they went out to eat at a Wings Army. Today they didn’t try to convince me to go along with them (as they have tried several times before and ended up unsuccessful) and they just left, leaving me alone in the office with my grilled chicken feeling sad and lonely. I have eaten in the office before but never alone and I didn’t enjoy it at all.
  3. To top it all, I couldn’t go to the gym today as I had planned because the dog walker was supposed to pick up my dogs and take them out for a stroll so I had to stay home to deliver them to him, besides my mom took the car with her.
  4. I had been incredibly sleepy and cranky since lunch time.

There you have it, Erika, FOUR detailed reasons to binge today and get back into the victim game.

As I said earlier, I didn’t feel as bad as I’ve felt before, after the binge. It was one hell of a weird binge (involving fried eggs, 2 tortillas, a quesadilla and a tea) and even though I knew I could and had to stop it, I didn’t feel like doing so. I also thought about my 20 years from now visualization and it didn’t stop me.

I really tried to analyze my behavior during this binge: I felt in control, powerful and didn’t care if I was eating 100, 200 or 30000 calories, I just ate as if nothing could harm, judge or touch me. Binging gives me a rush and eases me at the same time. I simply stop thinking. I feel that any food is “available” to me, and stop caring wether what I’m doing will sabotage my weight loss, set back my recovery or make me feel badly afterwards, all I care is about not caring. It is a very irresponsible behavior but it also seems to be a way of saying: I don’t care.

I am really trying to understand all of this and I’ve been doing a little research but my most important findings should come from my inner self because every person who has suffered or suffers from an ED has a different story and have different reasons to have fallen into it. Maybe writing about them is a passive way of dealing with it but it sure as hell is therapeutic. I read about A-B journaling in a blog where it says that journaling brings effective results if done between a loving positive inner voice (A) and a negative one (B). I don’t know if I fully understand that technique but I think I’m discovering how to apply it.

I didn’t work out today and my body is resenting my unwillingness for it but instead of exercising, I adapted a loving quote into a beautiful picture I took a while back.

So, yes, I did fall back again but managed to pick myself up proving that I’m only getting stronger.

I leave you with an image that kept me wondering (I found it while cyber-creeping on facebook haha).

We are some lucky people.

Lots of love, Erika.

 

Sunny Wedding-Vacation Saturday

Woke up “early” (for a saturday, that is) -10am- to go to my friend’s wedding dress fitting at 11am. As always, I got there late. We picked a dress for her, and talked about her bachelorette party and the bridesmaids dresses. I’ve realized which nasty habits control me, and I wanna leave them behind. It is gonna take a lot of effort and work, but I think I’m ready and up for it. Some of the things I wanna change about me, or get better at include:

  • Arriving on time to meetings or reunions
  • Being organized
  • Read a book a month
  • Efficiently spend my time
  • Become more disciplined
  • Exercise on a daily basis
  • Love myself more each day
  • Treat myself kindly
  • Set boundaries with people
  • Start pleasing myself, not everybody else
  • Be independent of other people’s opinion
  • Stop being afraid

Many of those things have been in my “to do list” for years now, but now I’m very aware of what I don’t want in my life, and I need to make radical changes.

I ate pretty good today, and I didn’t binge, nor barf. I went to a friend’s house and ate more popcorn than needed, but I the barf thoughts didn’t cross my mind. I ate one and a half piece of pizza and didn’t feel guilty (yuppie!) The being kind to myself thing is really working, it is just what I needed to make my recovery possible.

I took pictures of myself to see the progress I’ve had since February (when I decided i was gonna exercise daily) in my body. I’ve definitely gained weight, and I didn’t keep my word on the exercising part. My pants don’t fit, and I feel a little heavier but, even though my pants fit tighter and my muffin top is slightly bigger, I feel prettier than ever. I’m not saying I wanna stay like this, because I don’t! But I have been this heavy before, and I have been lighter and in my mind I have always felt “fat”, hence I had been stuck  on a vicious circle.  So, right now I am walking, thinking and feeling like the skinny woman I know I am. I have to exercise and eat like that, too.

“Assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled “.-Neville Goddard

Love, E.