I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Venting time

These past couple of days have felt like Deja vu.

I am back at where I started. I am 28 now. I am unhappily employed. I compare myself to other people and their jobs. I’m a pro at evading. I’m 24 again.

What did my 24 year old self did that got me right back here? She planned and promised but failed to develop either discipline or commitment. She moved from one comfort zone to another. She kept it quiet, not wanting to disturb. She pleased people. She kept herself down by not acknowledging her abilities. She was afraid to shine. She avoided listening to her gut (even though it was screaming out loud).

What is my gut saying right now?

Don’t quit French lessons, you’re doing amazing and it has a purpose, I promise. Keep writing on your blog. Honour yourself by keeping your promises. Develop discipline. Work hard(er). Flee the country.

What would I say to my 24 year old self?

You will travel as much as you wish to (Missouri, NY, Chicago, Paris, London, and multiple times to the beach). The trips will exceed your expectations: reality does beat imagination. You’ll be very happy and unhappy because such is life (but happiness rules most of your life). You’ll learn French and succeed at it. You’ll get closer to real friends and discard the phony ones. You’ll lose 10 pounds in 5 months. You’ll enjoy taking care of yourself. You’ll binge on chocolates… and laughter and love. You’ll face rejection and write about it, and that will help you learn, hence grow. Love, your future, awesome self. “

 

 

 

 

The going to the beach post

I remember how I would fantasize about going on a trip to the beach with my younger cousins donning a bikini to show off my enviable physique. In my head I thought being fit and hot would make my cousins like and accept me. I would not picture anything else but them being amazed by my looks. Well, that trip just happened and even though I don’t look like I did on my mind, I do feel like it. You see, it was a wise person who told me that true self confidence starts from the inside out, not the other way around. And boy was she right.

I made smart, loving decisions on this trip. I decided not to let my insecurities keep me from enjoying myself. Yes, I have cellulite but that didn’t impede me from walking on the beach without a beach wrap. I chose to clumsily paddle-board instead of witnessing how others did it from afar. These decisions were so liberating for me, so groundbreaking! I remember going to the beach and hiding myself under the water, or not going in the water at all dreading the walk from the sand to where the sea covered my imperfect body. I embrace those imperfections now, I love them. How cool it would have been for me to realise this sooner! I would have not avoided trips and experiences like I did before recovery.

In this trip I realised how much more important it is to be a free, fun, loving person than having a “hot” body ever will be. I was visualizing the wrong picture before. I didn’t visualize the laughter, the talks, the fun games, the cool places, the dancing, the singing, the bonding, the L I V I N G.

I finally understand how much time is wasted focusing on stupid insecurities rather than on living in the moment.

Today I am grateful for recovery because I am getting to know and accept the real me and she is pretty damn awesome 😉

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Liebster Award

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The lovely Colleen from Sprinkles and Skirts nominated me and brought me back to blogging :).

The Liebster award is an award given out to meet new bloggers and identify your favorite ones.

After receiving the award you must:

1) Post the award on your blog.

2) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog.

3) Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4) Nominate any number of bloggers you think deserve this award. If possible, they should have less than 200 followers.

5) Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you, and ask 11 questions to the people you nominate in your post. 

I nominate these amazing blogs:

Message in a bottle 

Joyful Cacophony

The Roaming Lama

Lose da Booze

Morning Tear

Work of your hands 

Weightloss Counter Revolution

Sprinkles and Skirts

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Lifeyum

Sober Identity

Questions for my beautiful nominees:

What 3 items would you take if you went to a desert island?

What do you like most about life?

What makes you happy?

What is your passion?

What is it that you do every day to keep you joyful?

Why do you blog?

What is your favourite food in the world?

What is your biggest dream in life?

What book are you currently reading?

Who is your role model and why?

Favourite movie of all time?

Eleven random facts about me: 

1. I am a very good and happy Graphic Designer (not a web designer, evidently)

2. I have learned to love myself through this blog (I’m still learning)

3. My family is the most important thing in my life

4. Chocolate is the second most important thing in my life 

5. I am a sucker for anything that has “vegan”, “gluten free”, “organic” attached to any food title because it removes any feelings of guilt in my head

6. Dancing is part of my essence

7. I have an obsession with living abroad

8. Through this blog I have developed meaningful friendships (and hopefully long-lasting ones)

9. I have come to enjoy weightlifting thanks to several accounts I follow on Instagram of kick ass women

10. I think Beyoncé is the epitome of perfection in a human being 

11. I LOVE meeting new people and keeping them around 

Answers to questions asked by Colleen:

1. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own and why? A blue blazer from Banana Republic cause it’s both pretty and cozy.

2. What is your achilles heel? Chocolate.

3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Visible tumors, or weird skin rashes.

4. Tropical beach or European city vacation? Tropical beach in winter, European city on summer.

5. What are you self-conscious about? My legs.

6. What inspires you? Blogs, beautiful movies, over achievers, Ted Talks, kind people, animals. 

7. Would you call yourself an introvert or an extrovert and why? An extrovert. I’ve been told I don’t have word-filter.

8. Cat person or dog person and why? Dog person ❤ <3. I’ve always been around dogs.

9. If you could interview anyone from history or today who would it be and why? Mindy Kaling because I admire her entirely.

10. What are you most proud of in your life? Recovering from bulimia.

11. What is your favorite thing to cook/bake? Tuna, basil, onions and tomato cous cous.

If you reached this part of the post, I congratulate you and leave you with a big kiss :* !!!

AB Journaling

A: You wasted a whole weekend, escaped reality, didn’t work out, ate a lot, didn’t change your cellphone, didn’t investigate about scholarships abroad, didn’t do the homework for work. You are a woman of nearly 30 years of age and still act like a child. When is this all gonna change?

B: Hello sweetie. You did not waste a weekend. You caught up with an old friend, got to remember how helpful it was opening your blog, went to a concert, realised how much you would like to have an independent life abroad, and what you do want, and what you don’t. You may have escaped your reality a bit, but you enjoyed it because that is what you have learned to do over the years: enjoy life. You did a useful thing: you invested time in people you love. You did eat, maybe a lot, maybe not. Tomorrow is a day to redeem yourself. You can start by making the time to work out tomorrow. Stop beating yourself up and, tomorrow make a list of all the things you should do so you can prioritise and achieve goals.

You are 3 years away of turning 30. Make them worthy, happy and enjoyable. Life is to live it, enjoy it and doing so in your own way.

I love you, always.

“You’re perfect”

The best things in life are unplanned

This is us at the Standard Hotel Rooftop bar. This is the place where Beyoncé partied after the Met Gala. If I would have known this fact before I went in, I would have kissed the floor she once set foot on. 20140710_193203The best things in life are unplanned. We had planned to go to “Le Bain” at the Standard Hotel but it was closed for a private event. They sent us to the “Boom Boom Room” instead. We knew we were dressed down but went to take a look at it and maybe spot a celebrity or take a picture of the place. I mean, this is a bar where Miranda Kerr takes casual drinks at. 69a07e34377e469ccce1ab31d90d3705boom-boom-roomWe take a peek in awe and right when we were turning around to leave, the hostess tells us: “Actually you guys are perfect, the rule here are no sneakers or shorts, you can go in if you want to”. Inadequate would be an understatement to say how I felt when I walked in. People were wearing Manolos, Gucci dresses, perfect hair, and bags that probably cost more than my cellphone bill in a year. We went to the rooftop and there were no tables available but I wanted to take a look at the view and take a picture there. We took pictures, admired the view and right when we were about to leave, a woman who overheard that we were looking for a table approached us and told us that the 3 girls sitting next to her were about to leave. The woman was sitting at one of the best tables in the Rooftop:roomWe sat at the table and ordered a bottle of wine to enjoy the breathtaking beauty of NYC and confirmed that the best things in life happen unplanned and unexpected.

And yes dammit, we are perfect.

Picture taken by me :)

Picture taken by me :). Isn’t this magical?

Cattiness in people.

Sometimes it’s hard to ignore or be inmune to people being nasty and saying mean things. I especially find it hard. I also have trouble coming up with comebacks.

Anyways, with that being said I wanna share with you a picture of me with a friend and other tourists at Rockefeller Center. I said I wanted to travel and travelling I am :). I fell in love with NYC so hard I didn’t see it coming. But I think I fell more in love with travelling. I must keep doing it.

Lots of love and the best vibes to you.

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Celebrating and enjoying

I stopped writing in my gratitude journal and noticed a shift in my thoughts and behaviour. I’ve come to realise that it takes small actions every single day to keep a positive and healthy mind. I stopped being grateful and negativity crept back in. 

I am constantly doubting my power to manifest things into my life and I don’t even know why because evidence has proven that self-doubt to be wrong. 

I am currently happily employed, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job and I am sure I manifested it.

I was unhappy in my other job and that unhappiness was only bringing more unhappiness. So I shifted my attitude completely: I started being happy for no reason, made gratitude journaling a habit, and pretended I had already found a job I was happy at. All while I applied for jobs and went to interviews. I was even grateful for those jobs I didn’t land. 

Anyways, I wanted to remind myself of that, and let you all know that with the right attitude and action, we can manifest ANYTHING into our lives. 

My older brother just graduated from college and he is an example of perseverance and manifestation. 

I wanted to share happiness with you :).

Wrapping this post up with a lovely picture ofImage the entire family in Rolla, MO. 

Thanks for reading. 

 

 

The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

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Focusing on the good, rather than on the bad.

Ok, so this weekend I allowed myself to wallow again. I felt especially bad because I am single. I went to a (very boring) bachelorette party and chose to let some insensitive comments get under my skin. I also happened to be surrounded by women who are either married, engaged or waiting to get engaged. So, obviously the subjects on the table were weddings, babies, honeymoons and husbands. I believe I am surrounded by friends who focus a little bit too much on having a partner or not. I am not surrounded by dream-achievers, disciplined, inspiring people… yet I allow these other people to influence me and make me feel lousily. 

Why, Erika, why? 

Because I focus on the wrong things. Being single is my current state. Single is my reality. My single-ness is a blessing and I am viewing it (and always have) as a flaw.

I am pursuing a relationship so much because I believe it will bring me happiness.

But only I can bring myself happiness. A relationship won’t change my current state, it will only enhance the love I am creating within. 

This post is to remind myself of the blessing it is to be single and ditch the limiting beliefs of society or the people around me who think someone is only happy with a partner by his/her side. 

Only I can make myself happy. And I am choosing to be happy right now. 

Affirmations I tell myself while at the gym

Ok, so going to the gym ain’t easy. Especially when you haven’t reached your goal weight or look. I still feel uncomfortable from time to time when I am squatting or doing crunches and my muffin top pops out in a not very gracious way, or when I’m sweating like crazy and a cute guy is next to me. I used to think all the time that these cute guys were maybe never gonna notice me,  “they only will when I look a certain way”. I had been doing it all wrong. Thoughts are energy and that energy molds reality.

So, what I do when I catch myself thinking that, is look at myself in the mirror and say:

You are the hottest girl alive, even when you sweat you look amazing.

You are a champion for being here and doing your best. 

You are attractive.

You are powerful.

You are capable. 

You are worthy. 

You are the prize.

You are freaking amazing. 

As if by magic I turn into a power house immediately. And my gym session becomes a power session.

You are beautiful, know it, own it, say it, repeat it to yourself every freaking day. And so will I. 🙂