The dreaded bikini season.

I believe things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.

But…

Sometimes I don’t understand why I was given this body I am in. It’s easier for me to love my body with clothes on. The issue is when they come off. I can hide imperfections with a dress or a high waisted skirt. I cannot hide my cellulite while wearing a bikini.

When a friend used to invite me to Cabo I DREADED the moment I had to go in the pool: everybody would see how unfit I really was, or try to look away in order not to be disgusted. At times, I would stand in front of the floor to ceiling window that led to the pool, lift my sundress up, look at my reflection and cried in silence. I never knew my ass and legs looked like that underneath the sunlight until I did that. I used to do that every single day as if expecting for it (the orange skin) to disappear overnight. It never did.

To this day I keep hallucinating trips that involve beach or a bikini. Even with those posts I write about loving my body, even by having tried to change role models, even by having stopped buying fashion magazines. I still don’t feel good in a bikini.

Tomorrow I leave for Missouri to attend my brother’s graduation ceremony. My brother mentioned something about a river so we have to bring our bathing suits. My brother is an athlete and his girlfriend has a softball scholarship so they don’t worry about bathing suits or bikini seasons. I get to spend most of my day sitting in front of a desk and haven’t exercised in a week and a half because I just got promoted and am still trying to adjust to the new position.

Yes, I got promoted, I have dated a few Tinder guys and all I can write about is my fear of wearing a bikini in public.

Second part of the post:

But, I choose today to enjoy my trip, enjoy the river, swim, dance, laugh and live just the way I look right now. If I keep worrying about stupid things I will never enjoy life fully. These quotes did the trick today. Now I am off to packing my bags and writing on my gratitude journal.

Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 1.51.15 AM Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 1.52.10 AMScreen Shot 2014-05-15 at 1.52.10 AMScreen Shot 2014-05-15 at 1.52.29 AMScreen Shot 2014-05-15 at 2.01.07 AMScreen Shot 2014-05-15 at 2.02.34 AMScreen Shot 2014-05-15 at 2.34.30 AMIMG-20130306-WA0000IMG-20140406-WA0008

large

Advertisements

Detaching from it…

This is a Bulimia recovery blog and sometimes I hate writing ugly or negative posts, but I must do it in order to consciously stop them next time and to keep this real.

I binged, I hadn’t binged like this in days. I have realized that whenever I feel “cured” or free from Bulimia, a binge comes back to let me know I’m not there yet. I’m not feeling as low as I have felt after binges before, but I do feel disappointed. I’ll go through the binge and then I’ll analyze it:

  • A zillion cookies
  • Cookie dough with icing (wtf?)
  • Chilaquiles drowned in sour cream
  • 1 egg and 2 spoons of cacao with splenda (it is a quick dessert recipe a friend showed me on Pinterest… it didn’t taste any good)

It had to do with the fact that I spent my morning at one of my not-so liked partner’s house (let’s call her Kat)… I could have prevented this situation but instead decided to sleep in a bit more, and go to work at her house 2 hours later.

There’s something about Kat’s house that makes me feel… depressed? Maybe that’s why she was nicknamed “Debbie Downer” by another friend of mine. Kat has been my friend the same time I’ve been bulimic (coincidence?). I’m not blaming it on her or anything, but it’s weird how she’s been around my life the same amount of time bulimia has. But it’s weird though, because I appreciate her a lot, I think she’s one of the only friends I fully trust, she’s not fake and she’s EXTREMELY loyal. She’s been to every single birthday celebration I’ve had since I entered college, she’s taken care of me like no other friend while partying or getting irresponsibly drunk has, she’s payed many of those tabs that result from the partying and whenever I need someone to talk to or to spend time with, she’s always there. She is an authentically good person BUT her biggest flaw is that she has a very negative energy most of the time. She’s usually focusing on what’s wrong in her life (or anybody’s) and isn’t shy about screaming it out into the world. She dwells on her negativity so she attracts negativity like a human magnet. I used to believe that she sucked my willingness to live after spending more than 3 hours listening to her complaints but over time, I have learned to ignore them. Well, in spite of knowing all of this about her, I partnered with her and 2 other friends to create a Design Firm… crazy, right? Well, I wasn’t thinking straight or at all but what’s done is done and now I must learn whatever lesson I haven’t learned all of this time from dealing with someone like her.

Talking about her makes me realize how my relationship with food/weight is parallel to the one with Kat. Even though I know how insecure overweight makes me feel, I keep eating irresponsibly, feeling badly about it, using my weight as an excuse for everything going wrong in my life, feeling guilty and then the cycle repeats itself.

So, on that note, I shall go to run on the treadmill and clear my head to keep trying to figure out how to stop tripping over the same stone over and over.

I’m not recovered yet, but I am enjoying the journey.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, Erika.

The “what others think” factor

I’m on a guilt trip right now: I just shared a pizza (a very delicious, greasy one) with 2 friends and even though I ate 2 pieces, I feel badly about it, there’s something about fatty foods that makes me feel guilty. The positive thing about it, is that I enjoyed it, ate it slowly and took the time to eat it.

I haven’t posted on the last days because I am finding it hard to set myself a blogger identity, I follow other blogs and find out that they’re so interesting, different, attractive, inspiring and followed by a lot of people (unlike mine, says my head). The same happens to me, Erika as a person, I keep comparing myself to others and end up feeling inferior. But you know what? I’m done with this self pity, negative posts, and thoughts for that matter. Yes, I’m becoming aware of them by writing about them but enough is enough!! I haven’t barfed since April and don’t plan on doing it anymore, no more hurting my beautiful body and mind.

On Friday I did something I’m proud of: I rejected going to a party with a very pushy and controlling friend who hadn’t told me the host of such party was a dude I hate, not dislike, but hate. I did what I wanted to do and didn’t put my friend’s opinion before mine, so I am really happy for me :).

Saturday was an extremely awesome day: I proved myself how powerful my mind is and how a positive attitude can affect the outcome of a day. I had a friend’s birthday party which didn’t thrill me at first but I chose to think differently and ended up having the best time! At night, I had been invited to celebrate another birthday in a fancy night club and really felt like going but by 12am, I started thinking of bailing: I have an aversion to those places because I tend to become intimidated by the looks of other chicks BUT, I chose to look my best and feel my best. Well, my friends, let me assure you that our minds are impressively positive and powerful devices when programmed accordingly. Not only did I have a blast that night, but I got hit on by (both unattractive and attractive) men (and boys), and managed to get me and my friend free drinks (without doing anything unwanted, don’t worry). I kissed a very nice, good looking Brazilian boy (he was 21, I’m officially a cougar) and danced with a bunch of other guys. I don’t usually kiss boys at night clubs, but this one was extremely cute and did I mention that he surfed and had an awesome body? So if I hadn’t kissed him, it would have been a shame. The rest of the night I danced with my friend (who is very skinny, flirty, young, attractive, hence successful with guys) and didn’t once feel unattractive or insecure next to her, I chose to enjoy myself and acknowledge what I bring to the table.

I also found a fashion blog  of a curvy girl who preaches self love, self confidence and looks damn good while doing it! She adds inspiring quotes on every post and her attitude in every picture is fierce. It’s really refreshing to find a fashion blog in which the protagonist isn’t slim, extremely skinny, or anorexic… instead she flaunts a full figure wearing bold outfits and an “I don’t care what you think” attitude. I have already become a fan of her blog and hope to develop her self-confidence and self-love.

What I struggle with constantly is the opinion of others: I live in a society where skinny people are worshipped and overweight people are frowned upon. I am totally into exercising and eating healthily but I am discovering that accepting my body and loving it the way it is, flaws and all, is an essential element to reach a weight goal.

I’m enjoying this positivism going on in my life, and I have only tasted a small bite of how great it can be so I am sticking to it until I have mastered it in every area of my existence.

I have to go now to exercise my ass off at the gym.

Thanks for reading, lovelies!

Kisses, Erika