Feeling inferior, hence being a b*tch.

Dear sis:

I know you don’t read this blog, but I need to tell you a few things.

I love you more than anything, but since I keep measuring my self-worth on looks, relationship status and popularity, I can’t be my true self with you so I end up being rude and aggressive. I don’t know if you know this but I envy you in several ways. You have never struggled with weight, you have a great boyfriend, you are popular and cool, you are strong, responsible and self-assured, you get anything you set your mind to, you dress amazingly well, you can wear a bikini and not worry about how you will look on it, you are incredibly gorgeous. I always thought that the older sister should be a role model to the younger one and I don’t think I am. As long as I don’t improve my self-image and self-worth, I will not be able to have a healthier relationship with you. My fears, insecurities and craziness don’t allow me to be my true, loving self with you.

I am getting there, sis, bare with me, I am in the process of self-love.

Remember I love you more than anything in the world even though I have a hard time showing it.

IMG-20131225-WA0020

Advertisements

Oh, there you are!

It had been silent for a while… ok, maybe not silent but very quiet, a week and a half to be exact, and that is a long time, at least to my loud, overly chatty, demanding negative voice. It spoke to me in the morning and said: “Don’t get up, let’s sleep in”, and sleep in I did. At work it also tried to sabotage me, to keep me useless but I chose not to let it take over me and managed to stay productive. I looked in the mirror and it whispered: “you are not pretty” but decided it was not true. It called me lazy and didn’t want me to work out but I worked out anyway. It tried to make me eat more in the afternoon while I was home but I immediately went upstairs to get out of the kitchen. I went downstairs to grab a cup of tea and picked 2 cookies up but only ate one. At night, after the workout I was very hungry and, I chose to have a binge. I hadn’t had one in a long time so why not have it now?.

Thoughts during the binge:

“You are slowing your weight loss process by doing this”

“You are sabotaging yourself yet once again”

“Maybe you like food way too much, maybe being fit isn’t that easy”

“I worked my ass off, I can eat all of this, I’ll just pretend I’m in maintenance”

“Maybe you’re afraid to lose weight or to have a healthy relationship with food”  

“You are only lying to yourself”

“Don’t expect perfection”

And then, I stopped.

This is not a pity post, nor one to victimise myself. This is proof that the negative voice is starting to quiet down. Today I am choosing to forgive myself and have compassion towards me. I listened to it today but its repetitive, hating nature doesn’t go with me.

I am slowly but steadily getting the power back.

This is me.

So I was thinking today, a lot, a lot, a lot. And I think most when I should be sleeping or reading or doing all those stuff I say I have no time for. And also, most times I don’t feel like being honest, neither in real life, nor in my blog.

Nonetheless, this is my space to document my growth concerning recovery but, most of all, concerning life.

And today I wanna be honest right here. Maybe tomorrow I’ll regret it, maybe not.

I believe nothing is impossible, I believe I can get whatever I set my mind to, I believe I can live a happy and dreamy life even without knowing the how’s. I know I am fortunate and EXTREMELY lucky and I also know that is why I tend to “let things flow” instead of planning ahead and challenging myself with discipline. In order to live (an even more) fulfilling life, I shall plan and actually achieve! Reading inspiring stuff helps me but it doesn’t actually take me where I know I can go. I believe we are surrounded by abundance. I realize that by only looking at my friends and family, by having a fridge filled with food, by having a cellphone, by writing this blog!

And while I try to write good posts, I am also trying to figure out who Erika is and what she truly likes and wants. One day I’m a good friend, another day I’m not. One moment I’m kind to myself, the next one I can be harsh.

So, there it is, a little bit of honesty I had missed from my blog. I wanna inspire you, reader but I am more interested in inspiring and proving myself that I can be whatever I wanna be. I must be the proof of my beliefs. My beliefs are valuable and they can become a reality if I act upon them. So far, my beliefs have been limiting and tending to the negative side so I have proven how powerful those have been. But even with that, I still have so many positive stuff going on, so much joy and happiness!! So, by knowing that the sky is the limit and that anything I dream I can achieve, I can act differently.

I catch myself feeling down due to whatever I feel I don’t have. But I choose to stay down than to try doing something different, walking a different path.

I think I want change to be perfect, and by expecting perfection I only end up beating myself up at any stumble. But stumbles make me stronger and dreamy lives are built, they don’t appear magically.

So, this is me, this is my crazy beautiful rant.

Image

Beauty

And here are some inspiring photos I’ve been collecting.

Image

Wisdom

Image

To my bucket list. I plan on replicating this photo.

Image

Oh my cuteness

Binging is the symptom, not the problem

I taped a documentary on Discovery Home and Health on Eating Disorders and got some really interesting and useful information about Bulimia that I’m going to quickly mention here, cause it’s 1:45 am and I need to sleep or else I’ll be a zombie the whole day.

  • Bulimia has been the language I’ve used for 7 years, so I have to learn a new one. Instead of dealing with my problems, I am used to keep them to myself and “solve” them through binging (and purging).
  • How I deal with my problems is critical. Usually I just keep everything to myself and pretend that everything is ok, I avoid confrontation.
  • All of us who are going or have gone through Bulimia usually feel anger, self- disappointment , have a hard time setting boundaries, are very critical of ourselves, have thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, beat ourselves up and become easily depressed. 
  • Being critical within myself affects my life  and the people around me; I need to be healthy within myself .
  • We binge and purge to cope with feelings of shame, anger and disappointment.

I sometimes get really scared of thoughts that take over my mind: lessening thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fatalist thoughts (I’m sorry if you don’t like reading this, dear brother, but I really need to document everything so I can really be thorough in this diary of mine). On Tuesday night I had a dream where I wanted to kill myself, and that thought has been on the back of my mind ever since. This is not the first time I think stuff like that but what worries me is that I feel like it would be a way out of my problems. I get so tired of sabotaging myself so much mentally and by repeating self-destructing actions, that I feel that if I just vanished, it would all be better. For the record, I have never attempted any suicidal actions, I just think about it. I’ve caught myself enjoying feeling victimized, and I think dying would be my ultimate and most extreme situation of victimization. I usually imagine my whole family and friends crying over my death and wondering why I ended up doing that, what lead me to do it!

Now, what are my motives when I think about dying? Mainly and generally:

  1. I have absolutely no clue of what I want for myself in the future (career wise, sentimental wise and life-in-general-wise).
  2. I am terrrrrrified of getting old, wrinkly and develop a slow metabolism.
  3. I keep visualizing myself in the perfect body, but don’t do anything to achieve it, I am stuck in an awful vicious cycle of not working out, binging, guilt trips and feeling badly about not working out and binging and doing it all over again.
  4. I get disappointed about people and how the world works, full of corruption, hatred, greed, disrespect, war, filth, etc.
  5. I don’t think I have any special talents, like award-winning, money-making, going viral kind of talents. I feel like an average person.
  6. I keep struggling with the same things I’ve been struggling for a long long time.
  7. I am scared of growing old and not have achieved any important or relevant things in my life.
  8. I am frustrated that I’m not the person I thought I would be at 24-25 when I was 16 years old.
  9. I see myself as a weak person, who is afraid of many things, gets easily distracted, doesn’t cope effectively with rejection/failure, can’t stand up for herself, is easily influenced, doesn’t really know what she wants, pleases people and loses herself in the process.
  10. Whenever this awful voice takes over me, I can’t seem to quiet it down. The voice comes along with an overwhelming feeling that knocks me down and makes it impossible for me to stop doing self-destructing actions.
  11. I am terrified of saying things that will create any kind of suffering, conflict or confrontation, so I choose to keep things to myself and just smile.

I know that the core issue is keeping things to myself because everything that remains silent, only creates a louder and bigger turmoil inside me… When I can no longer take it, I either eat it or explode!!!

I wonder if every person who¡s gone through an ED has fatal thoughts just as mine, is it normal?

My question is: Is there a healthy way to cope with fear, anger, confrontation and disappointment?

I’m going to find out. I wrote this post feeling much calmer and ready to talk about it. I think that by finding out more about the issue, I’m beginning to find the roots of it. I’ll go to sleep with a different mindset than that I had hours ago.

Thank you for reading!!!

Love, Erika

PS: It’s 3am now, but I think this post was worth sleeping in late for. (definitely more worthy than staying awake cyber creeping people over facebook haha).