But I know how to turn my mood around

Yesterday I came home and was sad, frustrated, done with life and the world. I hated my job, my life, my situation, etc. I was having the biggest pity party, and no one was invited.

I opened my computer and ran into old Design work I had done, old videos, old pictures. I realized I don’t give myself enough credit, I have made a sport out of it. I am a good designer, I am a good eating disorder battler, I am a good warrior. My obsession with perfection and my expectations are what keep me blindfolded.

I blindfold myself from the progress, my achievements and my current situation. Maybe I wanted to have EVERYTHING figured out by the time I turned a certain age. But I have reached a certain age and I don’t have it all figured out (nor have I the husband, the house and the perfect job). And that’s ok because life is about figuring things out, about getting better, stronger, wiser and smarter. Life is a learning journey. I still have a lot to change, and a long distance to walk but with all I have done I’ve paved the way to move faster in some areas. The difficult ones are those lessons I have yet to learn.

But Erika, come back here whenever you feel like you’ve run out of hope. Keep dancing, keep laughing and keep creating because that is your essence, not bingeing or feeling down.

I love you, and me, and you.

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Binging is the symptom, not the problem

I taped a documentary on Discovery Home and Health on Eating Disorders and got some really interesting and useful information about Bulimia that I’m going to quickly mention here, cause it’s 1:45 am and I need to sleep or else I’ll be a zombie the whole day.

  • Bulimia has been the language I’ve used for 7 years, so I have to learn a new one. Instead of dealing with my problems, I am used to keep them to myself and “solve” them through binging (and purging).
  • How I deal with my problems is critical. Usually I just keep everything to myself and pretend that everything is ok, I avoid confrontation.
  • All of us who are going or have gone through Bulimia usually feel anger, self- disappointment , have a hard time setting boundaries, are very critical of ourselves, have thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, beat ourselves up and become easily depressed. 
  • Being critical within myself affects my life  and the people around me; I need to be healthy within myself .
  • We binge and purge to cope with feelings of shame, anger and disappointment.

I sometimes get really scared of thoughts that take over my mind: lessening thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fatalist thoughts (I’m sorry if you don’t like reading this, dear brother, but I really need to document everything so I can really be thorough in this diary of mine). On Tuesday night I had a dream where I wanted to kill myself, and that thought has been on the back of my mind ever since. This is not the first time I think stuff like that but what worries me is that I feel like it would be a way out of my problems. I get so tired of sabotaging myself so much mentally and by repeating self-destructing actions, that I feel that if I just vanished, it would all be better. For the record, I have never attempted any suicidal actions, I just think about it. I’ve caught myself enjoying feeling victimized, and I think dying would be my ultimate and most extreme situation of victimization. I usually imagine my whole family and friends crying over my death and wondering why I ended up doing that, what lead me to do it!

Now, what are my motives when I think about dying? Mainly and generally:

  1. I have absolutely no clue of what I want for myself in the future (career wise, sentimental wise and life-in-general-wise).
  2. I am terrrrrrified of getting old, wrinkly and develop a slow metabolism.
  3. I keep visualizing myself in the perfect body, but don’t do anything to achieve it, I am stuck in an awful vicious cycle of not working out, binging, guilt trips and feeling badly about not working out and binging and doing it all over again.
  4. I get disappointed about people and how the world works, full of corruption, hatred, greed, disrespect, war, filth, etc.
  5. I don’t think I have any special talents, like award-winning, money-making, going viral kind of talents. I feel like an average person.
  6. I keep struggling with the same things I’ve been struggling for a long long time.
  7. I am scared of growing old and not have achieved any important or relevant things in my life.
  8. I am frustrated that I’m not the person I thought I would be at 24-25 when I was 16 years old.
  9. I see myself as a weak person, who is afraid of many things, gets easily distracted, doesn’t cope effectively with rejection/failure, can’t stand up for herself, is easily influenced, doesn’t really know what she wants, pleases people and loses herself in the process.
  10. Whenever this awful voice takes over me, I can’t seem to quiet it down. The voice comes along with an overwhelming feeling that knocks me down and makes it impossible for me to stop doing self-destructing actions.
  11. I am terrified of saying things that will create any kind of suffering, conflict or confrontation, so I choose to keep things to myself and just smile.

I know that the core issue is keeping things to myself because everything that remains silent, only creates a louder and bigger turmoil inside me… When I can no longer take it, I either eat it or explode!!!

I wonder if every person who¡s gone through an ED has fatal thoughts just as mine, is it normal?

My question is: Is there a healthy way to cope with fear, anger, confrontation and disappointment?

I’m going to find out. I wrote this post feeling much calmer and ready to talk about it. I think that by finding out more about the issue, I’m beginning to find the roots of it. I’ll go to sleep with a different mindset than that I had hours ago.

Thank you for reading!!!

Love, Erika

PS: It’s 3am now, but I think this post was worth sleeping in late for. (definitely more worthy than staying awake cyber creeping people over facebook haha).

I deserve to be my best friend

Ok, so I had a lovely dinner on Friday here at home, but returned to bingeing… nothing over the top, nothing to keep me up at night, but it was a binge nonetheless. Whenever I host a dinner or party, I pressure myself to have everything as perfect as possible, and end up feeling stressed. But I don’t think that’s what led me to binge, though. We ordered pizza, a friend brought delicious (but highly caloric) butter cookies and drank wine. I drank moderately, had 2 pieces of pizza, but then came cookie time and I couldn’t help myself: I must have eaten like 10 little heavenly stress-relievers.

What caused it: Comparing myself to my slim friends; feeling “heavy”; worrying about pleasing everybody; feeling guilty for eating pizza and cookies for dinner; thinking about my legs looking too fat with the dress I was wearing; feeling un-pretty and overweight; feeling less next to some friends; not being kind enough to myself.

I felt badly after the binge, but not as bad as I have felt before, and I kept repeating in my head how this binge had been different and how I’m stronger now. It was a new post-binge feeling: barfing didn’t cross my mind (yay me!). The barfing thoughts are fading away slowly but definitely, and I like that, I know this time it’s not a provisional farewell, but a definite good bye.

Daily exercise is now out of the question, and I had intended to count my calories in order to lose weight but today I realized how that turns my ” deprivation button” on and triggers the unwanted binges. So instead, I will try eating more slowly, enjoying my food, consuming smaller portions and believing that whatever I eat will nurture, energize and benefit my body.

Instead of turning my negative affirmations into positive ones, I will make positive affirmations, so here they come:

  • I’m a morning person
  • I am smart and focused
  • I love myself unconditionally

Thanks for reading and thank all of you readers and bloggers who make my existence more meaningful.

Love, Erika.