I taped a documentary on Discovery Home and Health on Eating Disorders and got some really interesting and useful information about Bulimia that I’m going to quickly mention here, cause it’s 1:45 am and I need to sleep or else I’ll be a zombie the whole day.
- Bulimia has been the language I’ve used for 7 years, so I have to learn a new one. Instead of dealing with my problems, I am used to keep them to myself and “solve” them through binging (and purging).
- How I deal with my problems is critical. Usually I just keep everything to myself and pretend that everything is ok, I avoid confrontation.
- All of us who are going or have gone through Bulimia usually feel anger, self- disappointment , have a hard time setting boundaries, are very critical of ourselves, have thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, beat ourselves up and become easily depressed.
- Being critical within myself affects my life and the people around me; I need to be healthy within myself .
- We binge and purge to cope with feelings of shame, anger and disappointment.
I sometimes get really scared of thoughts that take over my mind: lessening thoughts, suicidal thoughts, fatalist thoughts (I’m sorry if you don’t like reading this, dear brother, but I really need to document everything so I can really be thorough in this diary of mine). On Tuesday night I had a dream where I wanted to kill myself, and that thought has been on the back of my mind ever since. This is not the first time I think stuff like that but what worries me is that I feel like it would be a way out of my problems. I get so tired of sabotaging myself so much mentally and by repeating self-destructing actions, that I feel that if I just vanished, it would all be better. For the record, I have never attempted any suicidal actions, I just think about it. I’ve caught myself enjoying feeling victimized, and I think dying would be my ultimate and most extreme situation of victimization. I usually imagine my whole family and friends crying over my death and wondering why I ended up doing that, what lead me to do it!
Now, what are my motives when I think about dying? Mainly and generally:
- I have absolutely no clue of what I want for myself in the future (career wise, sentimental wise and life-in-general-wise).
- I am terrrrrrified of getting old, wrinkly and develop a slow metabolism.
- I keep visualizing myself in the perfect body, but don’t do anything to achieve it, I am stuck in an awful vicious cycle of not working out, binging, guilt trips and feeling badly about not working out and binging and doing it all over again.
- I get disappointed about people and how the world works, full of corruption, hatred, greed, disrespect, war, filth, etc.
- I don’t think I have any special talents, like award-winning, money-making, going viral kind of talents. I feel like an average person.
- I keep struggling with the same things I’ve been struggling for a long long time.
- I am scared of growing old and not have achieved any important or relevant things in my life.
- I am frustrated that I’m not the person I thought I would be at 24-25 when I was 16 years old.
- I see myself as a weak person, who is afraid of many things, gets easily distracted, doesn’t cope effectively with rejection/failure, can’t stand up for herself, is easily influenced, doesn’t really know what she wants, pleases people and loses herself in the process.
- Whenever this awful voice takes over me, I can’t seem to quiet it down. The voice comes along with an overwhelming feeling that knocks me down and makes it impossible for me to stop doing self-destructing actions.
- I am terrified of saying things that will create any kind of suffering, conflict or confrontation, so I choose to keep things to myself and just smile.
I know that the core issue is keeping things to myself because everything that remains silent, only creates a louder and bigger turmoil inside me… When I can no longer take it, I either eat it or explode!!!
I wonder if every person who¡s gone through an ED has fatal thoughts just as mine, is it normal?
My question is: Is there a healthy way to cope with fear, anger, confrontation and disappointment?
I’m going to find out. I wrote this post feeling much calmer and ready to talk about it. I think that by finding out more about the issue, I’m beginning to find the roots of it. I’ll go to sleep with a different mindset than that I had hours ago.
Thank you for reading!!!
PS: It’s 3am now, but I think this post was worth sleeping in late for. (definitely more worthy than staying awake cyber creeping people over facebook haha).