Would 10-year old Erika be proud of the current one?

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Today I had a not-so-good day: I didn’t wake up to go to my favorite yoga class, I had a not so hot day at work, etc. When I got home I had the intention of going to the gym but then, chocolate amaranth and procrastination got on my way.

I dove into my high school journal and I found pictures of my 14-year old self. I looked so good! I was hot and thin in secondary school, I just didn’t feel like it, I felt inferior and I didn’t enjoy that time in my life. I remember waiting for secondary school to end. “When I get into high school, I will be all I wanna be, I will be free, have a boyfriend, meet new people, have the body of my dreams, etc.” I used to say. And the same thing happened in High school before getting into College, and the same thing happened in College before graduating and getting a job.

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Pretty, hottie, 14 year old me in the middle 🙂

I was always waiting for something to change! And I haven’t gotten rid of that way of thinking yet! I postpone workouts, dancing, learning a new language, traveling, etc… I postpone living, CONSTANTLY!

Oh, that 14 year old me and that 25 year old me, how similar we are.

Anyways, all this analysing forced me to get my ass up and work out. It was hard, I enjoyed running but not all of it, and definitely not all of the weight training, but because of that, I felt so proud of myself. It’s silly, it’s a workout, but it felt like a HUGE deal.

Yesterday we celebrated Children’s day here in Mexico. Reason enough to go through photo albums and question my actions.

I want 10 year old Erika to be proud of who she ends up becoming.

I’m on it, Erika, I’m on it.

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From left to right: My dear, dear granny, my beautiful brother, my cousin, 10 year old ME :), my favorite cousin and my little sis.

6 thoughts on “Would 10-year old Erika be proud of the current one?”

  1. Cute pics! You were beautiful then as you are now. The one thing I noticed in your post was how you put “hot” and “thin” together, as if they were an exclusive pair. Maybe I am reading too much into it – but be careful not to tie in your state with your body image. I realize that my struggle has been alcohol, not food, but I have tied my emotional well being into how I look on the outside. I recently “relapsed” on my no-sugar thing that I had going for about 3-4 months, and I am not trying to make it a big deal (I never promised to stop for good), and so I have been noticing weight gain in the last 2 weeks and trying not to feel bad about it. I have to remember my body doesn’t define me. Of course I want to take care of my Earth Suit (ha ha), as it ties into self care and how I view myself (“I feel like crap so I am going to eat like crap” etc).

    Anyway, 25 is still young, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. We make these ideals of what we *should* be like and when we don’t succeed, we get off course and do things and feel things that are out of proportion. Perhaps looking at what it is that wants you to sabotage your workouts that in the end make you feel good is something that might bear fruit. I don’t know.

    But your 10 yr old self would be proud of her 25 yr old self, and would probably tell herself not to put so much pressure on herself.

    Love the pictures!
    Blessings,
    Paul

    Reply

    • Great observation, Paul. I tend to link hot (and happy) with thin… Maybe I realised how it has been a constant in my life, wanting to get thinner, to be prettier, instead of allowing myself to just be happy as I am. Awww, I loved the part where you say that 10year old Erika would be proud of me, I think so, tooo!!! I’ll practice not being so hard on myself.
      Lots of love and light, Paul :).

      Reply

  2. I remember when I (finally) committed to running. One night my husband got home late and I was exhausted form work and the kids. I was sitting by the front door crying while I was putting on my running shoes. I didn’t want to go. I made it .5 miles and then headed back home. I was so proud of myself. It was only a one mile, but I did it. It is one of the first times in recovery that I realized that crazy voice wasn’t going to win. That the love in me was bigger than the addictive thinking. It’s the little things we do that change us. Don’t let those precious moments slip away. Your ego is trying extra hard to hold you back. Do not let it win. Just for today! And more specifically, just the next time it tries. You only have to not let it win the next time it tries. Loving you, Me

    Reply

    • I love that anecdote! And yes, sometimes we don’t even enjoy the workout as much but once we have finished and realize how we succeeded in the fight between our loving and the negative voice, we feel oh so successful and oh so proud :). I will work daily on not letting it win. It is washing, rinsing, repeating… I am loving myself more every single day. Your kid was accurate when he said what you do for a living: you teach people how to love themselves and you do a heck of a great job at it 😀 !

      Reply

  3. Those pictures are so cute! And trust me thin does not mean happy! I was thin when I was bulimic and I was not happy! I have never been happier than in the last few years and while I am at a healthy weight I am not “thin”.
    Beauty can be found at many sizes! Look around and tell me there is no woman you find beautiful that is not a size 0.
    I can see myself in what you wrote though. About things getting better at the next stage in life. To be fair middle and high school were pretty hellish for me.
    BUT, once I changed MY frame of mind, things starting to shift my way. Little step like doing that workout, or anything else that put you on track is what matters.
    And 10 years old Erika would be proud of you. And so will 90 years ole Erika.
    Whenever I think negatively about myself, I remind myself than 50 years from now, it won’t matter what size my thighs were (as long as I am not a size where I am unhealthy). What will matter is that I enjoyed life, grabbed it by the horns and enjoyed the ride. It will matter that I was happy, was true to myself and my values and that I surrounded myself with love.

    Take care

    Reply

    • I love this! I am sure I have found people and friends who aren’t the slimmest who have amazing confidence, poise and intelligence. What makes a woman interesting and self assured are her self-love, her knowledge, her accomplishments, her heart, etc. Weight has got nothing to do with anything! As you mention, surrounding myself with love is much more relevant than wearing a bikini in a certain way.
      Thanks for this comment, Hélène 🙂

      Reply

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