I’m in a relationship with myself

And, as Beyoncé says, it’s the most important one, any other relationship is a bonus.

I am choosing to enjoy, nurture and love myself. I’m willing to be my own best friend. I’m willing to build trust in myself by not breaking the promises I make to myself, by standing my ground and by acting out of love.

I went on a roadtrip this weekend and woke up each morning being grateful for the trip, for the food, for the weather and I started showering affirming how wonderful my entire being is. I wanna develop radical self-love, I wanna show the world how to treat me, and only by loving and RESPECTING myself will I be able to receive that. I’m practicing celebrating every good thing that shows up.

I’m also acknowledging 7 things I’m proud of each day, after forgiving myself for other 7 things. Self-compassion must become a habit.

I’m sharing these pictures because before my friend took them, I was tearing myself apart thinking how these pants don’t look good on me, and how I was not comfortable. After I saw the pictures, I surprisingly liked them but still managed to criticise my hips and whatnot.

Radical self love in the making:

 

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Reasons why I binge eat

Ok, I stopped barfing, ok, it’s a HUGE step in recovery, I know it, I’m proud of myself for it. But, what about my relationship with food? It’s still not good. I didn’t think this through, I thought that by quitting the most hurtful and violent act towards myself, everything would be ok. I didn’t think it would take this long for me to stop the bingeing. And, by barfing everything I used to binge on before, gave me instant gratification: I could “remove” the consequences… at least that’s what I thought. I was so wrong but it seemed like an easy thing to do. No pain involved, I swallowed it and then threw it all out.

It also has a lot to do with the fact that I have dieted ever since I can remember. In my head, eating a chocolate is, like the worst thing ever, so is eating pizza or any junk food. Maybe I shouldn’t be analysing my past, maybe that’s why I stay stuck.

I wanna point out the possible reasons why I binge today.

  • Out of habit.
  • Out of guilt: whenever I feel badly about eating something, or not eating “perfectly”, I will most certainly binge.
  • Drinking munchies: whenever I get home late, either drunk or not, I think: I have the whole kitchen to myself! so I do some bingeing.
  • Not dancing: Through dance I free my mind and body, I feel bliss, it’s my therapy. I’m not currently dancing, so…
  • Feeling stressed.
  • Not liking myself right now.
  • Finding fault in mostly everything I do.
  • Analysing my binges over and over again (it’s easier).

I am aware I sound like a broken record, I am aware the solutions are in my power yet I keep having self-destructive behaviours… Why, Erika, WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Because doing things differently will cause me pain and challenges.

 

Petrified to grow up

I don’t wanna grow up. There, I said it.

I’m sure that’s what keeps me bingeing. I choose to stay stuck because I’m PANICKED to grow up. I am so afraid I may wake up one day being a 30 year old child. That is what I am, a child, a spoiled brat. That is why I am not capable of achieving goals or doing anything I set myself to do. I am scared = I stay paralysed. And my comfort zone is just controlling my life, I am worthless, useless at 25 years of age!

I’ve been knowing this for too long and I keep failing to change it over and over again. I guess I must do something or many things differently.

I wanna have a good relationship with food and I keep bingeing.

I wanna go to France and I can’t get myself to learn the language.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna…

I keep lying, I keep promising, I keep pleasing everyone, I keep fooling myself and everybody else.

And nothing gets done.

Getting myself back

I decided to read my previous posts all the way back to when I started this blog and, opposite to what I used to read in my old non-virtual journals, I felt EXTREMELY good about myself. I don’t give Erika enough credit for what she does, I forget to be kind to her. Focusing on my negatives comes so easy to me that I tend to overlook my greatness.

Also, today as I was cooking myself some delicious paleo pancakes, I had this epiphany: I focus so much on comparing myself to others and diminishing EVERYTHING about me, that I just stay paralysed and feel sad/do nothing.

I am following TOO MANY beautiful blogs! So many that I barely have time to keep up with reading them and invest time on my (also beautiful) space in the www. I also follow way too many instagram accounts concerning fitness, positivity, inspiring quotes, etc. that I end up looking down on my own progress, work, blog, etc. I end up developing an obsession with everything and set unreachable standards for myself in order to feel badly. I’m a perfectionist so I judge myself too harshly. So, that must stop, I must get out of my way and DO stuff.

My self confidence will be rebuilt by keeping my word, reaching goals and accumulating small successes each and every day. My friend Lisa told me that what I need is “loving discipline” and I think that’s true.

““You will never change your life until you change something you do daily”-M. Murdock

Goals for tomorrow:

  • Wake up at the FIRST alarm sound without pressing the snooze button 
  • Enjoy food, take time to eat
  • Spending only 1 hour on Facebook (this’ll be a tough one)
  • Refrain myself from criticising myself or others
  • Set dates for long-term goals
  • Be kind

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    My body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what I write down

A year in recovery

Today WordPress announced my blog is 1 year old. That means I have not barfed and have been working on my beautiful self for a WHOLE YEAR. I still have a long way to go, I thought this recovery thing was easy but it’s not. It isn’t as hard as I would have thought either but it does require constant work and effort. I couldn’t have done any progress without this blog and all the otherworldly help I’ve received. I thank you all who read me, give me feedback and those who also write beautifully, thank you, too. Your blogs inspire me on a daily basis, so do your lives. I hope I can keep inspiring myself and others along the way with my little writing space.

I am extremely proud of myself and I wanted to share it with whoever is reading. Thank you, thank you, thank youuuu!

My promises to myself are to keep working harder in everything I do, and to love myself along the way (ups and downs included).

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The perfect post

I’ve been planning to do a perfect post to write but they all end up at the Draft folder… I take forever to write a post, I judge my writing and blog too hard. I have also started comparing my own little writing space to other blogs I follow so I have decided to stop that and just keep using this to vent.

I have very good things going for me right now, I’ve been in the best mood and gratefulness has got EVERYTHING to do with it.

I’ve been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I’ve been doing weight training  2 times a week, even when there are just men in that area and even though I feel I’m the most unfit there. But this time I am using my lack of fitness as motivation and drive to keep going, to keep working my butt off. I have come to realise that the effort you put onto something, creates matching results. I had never tried being constant at the gym before so I kept feeling disencouragement that only led to stop exercising and eating recklessly.

Not as awkward as I would have imagined self-picture… or maybe a bit.

I have become one of those people who take pictures of themselves at the gym (always have wanted to be one!) so what better place than my blog to show it?

I don’t have a perfect body (or booty) but I love it because this beauty takes me all sort of places, functions perfectly well, does spinning, runs 5km and efficiently exercises 4 times a week. This is also a portrait of a no longer bingeing body :).

The power of being grateful

This post’ll be cheesy, I warn you.

Tonight I looked up at the big, bright moon and, for the first time in years, didn’t ask for anything, I only thanked her. For shedding light, for smiling down at us, for it’s mere existence and possession of breathtaking beauty.

Tonight I’m going to sleep without having binged, without having done anything I didn’t want to, without guilt sleeping by my side. This night I realise a process of recovery requires small steps to outnumber setbacks, trips and downfalls.

Tonight I’m choosing to be delighted… and delighted I am.

February 4th

A binge, another goddamn binge happened just now.

But, I wasn’t feeling lousy, I wasn’t feeling badly, I just arrived at the kitchen, opened up the refrigerator door and did what I apparently do best: look for food and eat it as if someone was competing with me. When I feel like eating less than healthy snacks my mind tends to say this: “Erika, today you had a very healthy lunch, you ate one small portion of pasta, steamed vegetables and chicken, you did great! Now, you can eat whatever you feel like”. Every single afternoon, I feel like snacking on chocolate… but I feel guilty about it. GUILT is the key word that continues to keep me from recovering. I didn’t find chocolate so I grabbed the peanut butter and ate it with an apple. Eventually, cookies and bananas were involved somewhere along the binge. Instead of dwelling on that nasty, useless feeling, I chose to prepare my meals and snacks for tomorrow, I chose STRUCTURE this time, just what I need in about every area of my life.

Structured eating consists on eating small meals every 3 hours throughout the day. That way I don’t get extremely hungry and stop finding excuses to be wondering around the kitchen. I got that tip from this lovely lady who recovered from Bulimia and created a site dedicated to the ones willing to follow the self-love path.

So, more structure, less guilt for me. And kindness, always and forever, kindness.

Honesty and kindness

DESCRIBE CURRENT ERIKA.

Dreamer.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Unemployed.

Sedentary.

Consuming up to 4548 calories per day.

Taking her relationship with food one meal at a time.

Sleeps in late.

Stays in her pijamas too much time.

Has plans but doesn’t do them.

Has ideas but doesn’t put them into practice.

Journals but not as much as she would like.

Reads but not as much as she would like.

Spends way too much time on Facebook.

Takes things lightly and leaves them to chance.

Hasn’t manifested as much as she would like.

Doesn’t meditate or quiet her mind.

Doesn’t do yoga.

Stays stuck.

Scared shitless.

Stuck in comfort zone.

Wasting 70% of her time.

Being inspired every day but not doing anything to inspire herself.

Happier than before (much happier).

Aware of how great she can be, but not so sure how to get there.

Still stuck in many nasty habits.

Procrastinates.

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out.

Thinks time is still running and hasn’t achieved much.

Still compares herself to others.

Still judges.

Is TERRIFIED by the mere thought of wearing a bikini.

But accepts her body more than any time before.

Is learning to listen to her intuition.

Hasn’t traveled much.

DESCRIBE ERIKA A YEAR FROM TODAY. 

Achiever.

Believer.

Positive Thinker.

Happily employed.

Active pole dancer, runner and yoga student. 

Doesn’t have to count her calories. She eats calmly and enjoyably. 

Takes the time to do things and is in control of the outcomes of her life. 

Believes in herself.

Keeps her word. 

Knows how to set boundaries. 

Respects herself. 

Doesn’t care about other people’s opinion. 

Taking her relationship with food one day at a time. 

Sleeps in early.

Stays in her pijamas only on occasional lazy Sundays. 

Has plans and follows them.

Has ideas and puts them into practice. 

Journals every night. 

Is an avid reader. 

Barely opens her Facebook.

Manifests her ideas and thoughts. 

Meditates and practices quieting the mind. 

Does yoga. 

Is constantly moving. 

Still feels fear but it doesn’t paralyse her. 

Doesn’t allow herself to fall in her comfort zone. 

Is efficient 80% of the time.

Is inspired every day but most importantly, she inspires herself. 

Happier than before (much more happier). 

Is aware of how great she can be, and knows now how to get there.

Has developed positive habits. 

Is disciplined. 

Believes in herself more each every day.

Thinks has a lot of time left to figure herself out. 

Thinks time is running and keeps achieving much. 

Compares herself to others occasionally. 

Judges less each time. 

Is in her ideal weight. 

Accepts and loves her body more than any time before. 

Wears a bikini confidently. 

Loves and respects herself. 

Practices kindness toward herself every single day. 

Listens to her intuition. 

Yes, beautiful. This is a start. I’m on the right path. Finally. Screen Shot 2012-12-13 at 12.12.40 AM

Weekend beauties

Even though I suffered when it was time to go down to the pool because it meant my friends and other people would get to see me in a bikini, this weekend had some excellent moments that need to be savoured and remembered. Maybe if I choose to concentrate on the brightness and beauty of moments and things, I will be able to change my life permanently.

I traveled to Acapulco to a friend’s wedding and got to be a bridesmaid along with 4 other friends. I rented an apartment with 3 of my closest friends and we had a blast: everything flowed harmoniously, we laughed hysterically all weekend long, we played lots of games, drank wine, swam, ate only when hungry and enjoyed our time together. I tend to not take many pictures because maybe I’ll look fat in them but end up regretting that choice later. It’s amazing how much my overweight paralyses and stops me from doing things. What I am sure of, is that I have to learn something from this obsession with food, I need to listen to what this problem is trying to tell me. Encouraged and guided by my coach Lisa, I have been doing some journaling and it has helped me ENORMOUSLY. She explained me that I have 2 voices in my head: A (Adversary) and B (Beautiful). The B voice talks from a place of love, always, always and accepts and loves Erika no matter what. The A voice is loud, demanding and negative. I have been listening to that voice for the longest time so now I write a dialogue between the 2 voices in order to help my B voice become stronger and able to quiet the negative voice down. I went through my journals today and decided to remind myself of all the beautiful thoughts and arguments that have come from my B voice. So here it comes.

Dear Erika:

Remember to always be kind to yourself and love every bit of you. You are more than aware that you are the result of your thinking. All of those thoughts and words you’ve been telling yourself for years have taken you to where you are right now, so be patient and remember that only conscious and constant work will help you change your words, actions and behaviour, and it’ll take time. Your fear of being judged, rejected and questioned has led you to eat and ease the pain, you have built a shield. What you are right now is a result of self-induced abuse but you know better now and won’t let that happen anymore. You have finally decided to change but you’re still learning so don’t judge yourself, just love and respect yourself during the process. Your weight is here to show you that you are much more than a body; looks don’t transcend, your mind, heart and soul do, so nurture them. Concentrate on what is inside you, not outside. Think of what causes you to eat your words and your desires. Stop feeding what keeps you shielded and protected, it doesn’t allow you to change, it doesn’t want you to change but you do. Acknowledge, embrace and love the entirety of you, stop judging you. Enjoy your healthy body by taking care of it, exercising it, nurturing it, respecting and being grateful for it. Surround yourself with positive activities and positive people. Read, write on your journal and blog, live in the present, prioritise, let yourself grow and stop avoiding it. Don’t give into fear, always choose to face it and go in the opposite direction it tries taking you. Food isn’t alive, you are, food doesn’t have a voice, you do, food isn’t the boss of you, you are the boss of you, food is fuel for your body, let it be that. Remember comparison is the thief of joy, so stop comparing yourself to others. Remember to ALWAYS love yourself first. 

The photo that made me cry

I have had several pictures taken of me that have not been very flattering but there is always that picture that makes you feel (and look) especially overweight. I have always had my attractiveness measured by my weight. Wrongly done or whatever but that’s the way it’s always been. Anyway, this picture brought me to tears because, officially, this is the fattest I’ve ever been.

And, in a week I have a wedding at the beach. The dreaded bikini time approaches and I couldn’t be more terrified. 😦

 

 

A bumpy (but oh so worthy) ride towards recovery

I have been so very absent from the blogosphere. I think I get self conscious even over here, go figure. But I miss writing in this little journal of mine and since so many amazing things have come from blogging, I have decided to keep writing.

Since I started my blog, I have been making changes concerning my mind and life in general. I can assure to you that when you change your mind, your whole world changes. Now, I used to read and hear about it, and assumed it was something easy and quick. Well, I hate to break it to you but it is neither easy nor quick at all. Nonetheless, the process is beautiful and the results are totally worth the work and time.

I used to be one of those, amongst many, who believed wholeheartedly that if I could dream and visualize whatever, it would appear in my life magically. I visualised myself having an amazing body while having dessert every time I ate with my friends, or while binge drinking on weekends. In every area of my life I used to do the same thing and guess what? nothing happened: there isn’t a magic dust or a shortcut, there is hard work and physical energy involved  in order to make things happen. Of course visualisation works, of course positive thinking works but what really gets things moving is ACTION. It sounds pretty obvious but I am only starting to really put the action part into action… if that makes any sense.

I am going to list a few things that have worked significantly for me during this recovery:

  • Creating my blog
  • Reading inspiring, smart, funny, positive thus, enjoyable blogs.
  • Having involved readers who give me feedback and otherwordly support
  • Making a list (before going to bed) of things I was grateful for each day
  • Not comparing myself to ANYONE (easier said than done, still working on this one)
  • Making promises each week and keeping them
  • Making promises each day when I wake up (not eating chocolate, sleeping early, etc) and keeping them
  • AB Journaling (I’ll write more about this journaling technique I learned from Lisa in another post)
  • Watching Marie tv
  • Reading Eric’s blog. He used to read countless blogs and would mention them in his. Thanks to him I discovered the best blogs (and people behind them)
  • Trying to use Facebook an Twitter the least possible (unsuccessful 98% of the time, still working on it)
  • Not criticising people (I am successful in this only 10% of the time… hey, it’s a decent start!)
  • Finding a blissful activity and doing it as constantly as possible: Pole Dancing (“dancing” being the key word)
  • Defending myself and not being afraid/embarrassed by my choices or opinions
  • Doing things out of my comfort zone (one of the hardest things to do, still working on it)
  • Working on falling in love with myself every single day by thinking and speaking love
  • Feeding my positive voice, not the negative one (my negative voice is hungry and demanding, still working on it)
  • Giving love instead of asking (or looking) for it.

And I’m only halfway there.

“What you put out into the world comes back to you”

Hope you’re still reading haha.

Love, Erika

Blast from the past

Paul is a friend who lives in France since 2005, right after we graduated High school. We were never that close during school but one day before he left to France I ran into him in a bookstore and we chatted and laughed for hours. After that, every time I saw his green light on the Facebook chat or every time he saw mine, we talked to see how life was going. Thanks to Facebook (and my stalking skills), I got to realize how well age suited him and how much he grew into that nose and shaggy 90’s hair haha. Last week he mentioned he was coming to Mexico and wanted to see me.

Cutie Paul

Today we met at a mall and I immediately spotted his 1.83cm muscle bundled frame, his cute smile and tiny eyes. We sat down in a quiet place to talk and he told me how everyone he had met since he arrived hasn’t changed a bit physically. I asked him how he saw me and didn’t answer, he just nodded. That’s when I said : “I know I gained a lot of weight since you last saw me“. He relievingly replied : “I was not going to say anything but for your own good, yes you have! What happened? You looked just perfect the last time I saw you!“. I had received similar comments before and got extremely sad, depressed and frustrated. BUT, this time I’m deciding to take it as a wake up call to consciously use the tools I have gathered during this recovery. I tend to forget this process takes effort and work day in and day out.

It is not easy, it can’t be taken lightly and today, having met this blast from the past, reminds me I must live in the moment and act NOW, not tomorrow, not yesterday reminiscing about the past, but taking action every present moment.

I wanna end this post with a great quote from one of my favorite books: Peaceful Warrior.

” WHERE ARE YOU? Here

WHAT TIME IS IT? NOW

WHAT ARE YOU? This moment”

 

Notice my fat roll? I am deciding I don’t like it and I am getting rid of it TODAY.

This picture makes so much sense now.